Man oh man oh man. I love video games and I love being a gamer. I love video game speculation and supposition. I also love watching and listening to gamers run off their mouths when no real information has been given. Please accept this analogy:
The whole thing can be compared to a man who finds a scrap of newspaper that reads “the sky is falling”. The man freaks out, stirs up all sorts of unrest, and eventually throws himself off the bridge. However, had he located the rest of the article, he would have found that the entire message read “the rain in the sky is falling like cats and dogs.”
Ok, so that’s a horrible analogy and a long way to travel to get to my point. And yes, perhaps a bit of this is Nintendo’s fault for releasing such little information. But you fanboys need to settle the fuck down before you start shouting your tired chants of “Doomed! Doomed!” After all, didn’t Nintendo say not more than a week ago that they didn’t expect anyone to get excited after they made their announcement and they would be happy if 10% of their audience were simply interested in the product’s potential?
Shit, guys. Relax. We know nothing about this thing other than it has two screens, is portable, and will play games in some way. Will it be the controller for the N5? Will it give you a handjob and then clean you up afterwards? Who the hell knows? Only Nintendo. And we’ll find out the rest come May.
Until then, I encourage you to put down your pitchforks and torches and call off the lynching. Wait until they show us what this thing is all about before you start screaming “WTF?” and calling it the next Virtual Boy. Sure, it may turn out to be the “next Virtual Boy”, but wait until May to make that decision.
In the meantime, I’ll be burning out my retinas with Wario Land and loving every minute of it.
The ialliance with Frank Kowalkowski did not say if the old players from the first DA were going to be adaptable to the new version. Could your staff find out for me please.
Signed, Meemeeru
Brendon responds:
It actually is in our interview (check the sidebar sections on the right). The quick answer is no, simply because the developers felt that they would have to strip virtually everything from the characters anyway, so they thought it'd be best to leave the option out.
Craig writes:
Hi John, its me again, i just wanna say i took a chance and purchased prince of persia, needless to say its a very worthy title, i love how he runs across walls and the moves he pulls off are somewhat breathtaking, also the combat doesnt get boring as there is always different amounts of enemies in very different locations. You could be fighting in a wide open space with hordes of enemies, or fighting on a cliff, with only one foe, but one false move and your 'dead'.
Sorry about that little review, just giving people an extra incentive to buy it. i could just tell people to listen to you cos well, you talk alot of sense but you know wheres the fun in that and seeing as i dont get paid for praising you, its a waste of time really.
Now about that mouse. Im sorry it troubles you, but killing it isnt the answer, attempts to kill it have only ended in you looking like a fool. so maybe make it a house pet, put cheese by its house instead of household poison, show it you care it will thank you and maybe leave, but seeing as Hilden is moving in, just be its friend until he moves in, sure you may be sad that your moving away but you would have shared your last moments together in happiness. Theres too much war in the world as it is so make love (not literally) not war.
Until next time.... P.S I really enjoy behind the X, its nearly as good as your section, just wanna give a shoutout to brendon for being a really good writer! (and yourself of course mr john)
Thanks my friend. I'm sure Brendon appreciates your compliment as well. And I'm glad you're enjoying Prince of Persia. Would I let you down?
Well, probably.
The good news is that I think I've exterminated the damn mouse from my home. I threw some mouse poison down into the little vent that he likes to hang out in and haven't heard from the bastard in two days. Perhaps I'm not intellectually inferior to a rodent after all.
Perhaps.
Ryan writes:
Love your column -- been reading it for a while and can relate to all of your past "stories" with getting hitched and all that jazz (I'm set to tie the knot myself in mid-April).
On to the reason why I'm writing: you said you pre-ordered the Zelda Famicom GBA port that's due in February. So what's the deal: will the game's on-screen text be in Japanese? Even though I bought the Made in Wario import (I couldn't wait), I managed to have fun with it regardless of the language barrier. It's been years since the last time I played the original Zelda, so not sure if I'll enjoy it as much not understanding what the hell I'm supposed to do next.
Also, from one happily (soon-to-be) married man to another, maybe your ol' lady (not Hilden, that is) will have some fun playing the upcoming Baldur's Gate sequel with you. My fiancee and I both totally enjoyed the first one on the PS2, and we're both excited about the new one out this week. I think both games are excellent "couples" games.
Aloha from Honolulu, Ryan C.
Well my friend, congratulations on the engagement. You'll have a blast.
I've got Christine on what I call "The Program". Unfortunately, she helps define that dreaded stereotype that all girls ever want to play are primary-colored platformers and puzzle games. So the program consists of me breaking her into the RPG genre slowly but surely. I got her started on Paper Mario and she has since moved onto Mario & Luigi. The true test comes in February when I force her to take part in the Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles sessions that Hilden and I are going to have.
About Zelda, it's safe to say that the text will be in Japanese. However, if you're into the idea of playing through some old-school Zelda games, do yourself a favor and pick up the GCN compilation disc. Don't have a Cube? Well, my friend, the disc comes free with one. Bonus!
Phil writes:
Hey John,
Just checking out CWJ as usual and noticed your little comment about the new series of American Idol...
Well, I just felt that as a Brit I should appologise for the Idol series on behalf of my country. Starting off as Pop Idol in the UK this awful show and Simon Cowell have terrorised countries around the globe with the biggest impact in the USA. Whilst it is nice that the show keeps Mr Cowell out of the country for a while, I feel bad and embarraced that you guys have to put up with him yet again.
Oh and please don't judge the English on Simon Cowell and Anne Robinson (Weakest Link).
Keep up the good work, Phil
PHILTHY! It's always great to hear from my favorite Brit.
You know, I actually don't mind Simon all that much. He's the only one with the balls to tell those no-talents the truth, and the more suburban mall kids that get cut down the size, the happier I am.
I met Ruben Studdard in an elevator on Friday. He was a hell of a nice guy and very polite. He also was built like a solid brick wall. I stand a respectable 6'0", but this guy must have been about 8 feet tall with a 75 inch waist.
And with that, we have the new season of American Idol. Why, God? Why?
I've already admitted to watching that hideous show, so no need to bust my balls about it again. And as bad as that show was, the "what the hell?" lead in it gave My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancee is just shameless and cruel. Yes I watched it. Yes it was horrible.
Yes, I'll probably watch the damn thing next week.
Anyway, Kurtis writes:
Is there anyway to play old nes games in any other format besides on the old nes platform? I have always kind of loved the old metal gear series and now being able to play the new ones on the Playstation. It makes me want to play them again, but i don't know if I want to get an old sytem just to play them. Any ideas or should I just either buy an old nes or forget about it?
Mr Hirschfeld
Well, Sir, I can completely relate to wanting to relive those great old NES games and there are a number of ways to do what you're asking, depending on what specific titles you're looking for. 1) There's the GameCube method. Pick up a copy of Animal Crossing and an e-Reader and you'll be able to unlock a small handful of old NES classics. 2) Have you read this article? Now, this Famicom (Japanese NES) flavored GBA will only be available in Japan for now, but the good news is that all of the games will be compatible with your American GBA. Just click on over to your favorite import shop and search around. You'll be in business in no time. Hell, I've already preordered my copy of The Legend of Zelda. 3) And then there's this little puppy: the Game Theory Admiral. Silly name, yes? What this thing does is play Japanese Famicom cartridges on a portable device. Again, the cartridges are Japanese, so you'll have to track them down. However, the device has received favorable reviews and could make you the coolest kid on the block. And finally, 4) Emulation. However, being the responsible web editor that I am, I cannot recommend or condone emulation and I would never do such a thing...
Anyway, stay with me on this one, my friend. Looking at this article sourced from our friends at Mogusland, I had a little brainstorm. Now we know that Nintendo hasn't exactly embraced the online schtick. However, what if - just what if Nintendo included an emulation device of some sort in their next console, allowing it to run NES, SNES, and N64 games with ease...in addition to its GCN backwards compatibility. Next, they unveil a subscription service much like Xbox Live, in which gamers can select from an enormous catalog to play on their shiny new N5 console.
I used to - at times - consider myself a somewhat intelligent human being, capable of carrying out even the most modest tasks that came before me. I can construct a reasonably coherent sentence, I'm somewhat capable of abstract thought, and one might even say that I've achieved a relatively good deal in my life.
These delusions all come crashing to the ground when it's become obvious that I cannot even match wits with the tiny rodent who has decided to make my home his winter residence. I have spent the last four days attempting to outsmart this little mouse by planting various traps, poisons, and obstacles in an effort to evict him from my house. Every nook and cranny in my house resembles a warzone, with mouse traps of both the snapping and glue variety replacing mines and barbed wire. He, in turn, has stolen the food from these traps, hopped over or chewed through the obstacles with great ease, and avoided the poisons as though they were...poison, I guess. He's toyed with me be running past my feet while I take a leak, no doubt knowing that I would not break my concentration and piss all over myself in an effort to catch him.
So do I resign myself to the fact that I've been outsmarted by a varmint with less than a pea brain? At least I can be consoled with the knowledge that in one month I will be moving out and Hilden, who will be moving into my place, will be stuck with the little rodent.
Speaking of the dastardly Lady H, I hope you enjoy the comic that he's crafted for you this week. It's part one of a two-part story that many of you have heard. In an unusual act of cleverness, Hilden has retold Joe's terrible super glue morning in pictures. The result is pretty damn amusing, so when Drunken Gamers is posted, I hope you all take a look.
So I took your advice (yes your advice) and saw Big Fish on Friday night. For some reason, it reminded me a lot of Forrest Gump - you know, without the mentally challenged leading character - in that it was a string of tall tales all bound together by one individual. It was a great movie and I highly recommend it. Yes, to you.
My wife is addicted to all things CSI. She watches the shows religiously, owns the DVD box sets, reads all the books, and even read through the short graphic novel series. In her defense, she's working on getting her certification in Forensic Nursing, but somehow I get creeped out and paranoid that perhaps she's just trying to figure out a way to kill me without getting caught.
So anyway, Monday and Thursday nights consist of CSI Miami and CSI Las Vegas repectively. In between I'm inundated with CSI reruns on either television or DVD, plus the occassional Forensic Files on Court TV. Now, because corporate America loves to milk something until it dies, I'm going to have to suffer through CSI New York. Don't get me wrong, these are decent enough shows. It's just that watching someone solve a different heinous crime every night by putting a bug in a petri dish is getting a little old.
However, if they somehow combined that science geek novelty with the all-out ass kicking television that is Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, you couldn't get me away from the television set.
