So it may not be the end of the world as we know it.
The post I made earlier about the lady getting stuck in the door is apparently bogus. Leave it to me not to look at the source in the upper right hand corner of the damn article. That's journalism 101 shit and I missed it completely.
Anyway, as idiotic of a mistake as that is, what's even more amusing is that I first heard the story on a local news station. So maybe I don't feel so bad.
So anyway, apparently people aren't as big of pigs as I thought. Well, they probably are, but at least it's not for poking fat women with sporks.
Fully Adjustable I’ve made mention of my disgust for the human race many times and in doing so, I don’t mean to feign superiority in any way. I realize that I’m fully capable of being a foul creature whose only purpose is to fill space until he dies. I’ve done some rotten things in my life and probably do one or two unattractive things per day at the very least.
Furthermore, I’m an American. And being a member of this branch of society, I consume, consume, consume and rarely give back anything of value to my fellow man. I drink and eat until my insides are stuffed and buy more useless shit than any individual or group of people would ever need.
Yes, I am fully aware of all of this.
However, if I were at a rib joint and an oversized woman were stuck in a doorway, I most certainly would not poke and prod her with a plastic fork while chanting, “Fatty, fatty, two by four, can’t get through the bathroom door.” No sir, I would not behave like these pigs in Chicago.
For those of you not inclined to click the link, the long and short of it is that a woman in Chicago got stuck in a doorway leading to the bathroom at a rib joint. The woman weighed 647 lbs and the door was a “double door”.
Ok, so it’s kind of funny. Screw that, it’s borderline hilarious. But seriously, listen to this:
"This unfortunate woman was poked and stabbed at least 200 times and maybe even more," says a Chicago police spokesman. "The forks were plastic," he says, "but they still managed to inflict a lot of damage. Doctors later told me the victim looked like a pincushion. Basically these people were upset that they couldn't use the rest rooms. The woman was trapped in a doorway that leads to both the men's and ladies' toilets. The victim was squealing and crying in pain, not to mention being humiliated, when police and firefighters arrived to help her. They estimate that as many as 40 men and women had taken turns poking her with their forks."
Forty men and women took turns poking this woman with their forks.
What century do we live in?
Who are these people and why are they allowed to breed?
Sure, it’s understandable to have a private chuckle about the whole situation; especially considering that it took the jaws of life to dislodge her from the doorway. But this is one incredible story.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
I’ve been spending the last couple of days playing Bonk’s Adventure on GameCube. Yeah, that’s right, GameCube. Hudson finally released their special GCN and PS2 editions of Bonk’s Adventure in Japan and as you might expect, I got mine the day it was available. Hilden sat and watched me play for about a half hour and remarked on the incredible art design that the development team has taken. 99% of the old-school gameplay remains intact, which may cause some gamers to wonder what the hell all those buttons are for on the controller, but the game looks gorgeous running on the Cube. Everything has been redrawn and redesigned and the result is simply pretty. They also bumped up the difficulty a notch, ensuring that getting back to my 20 minute clear time will take some practice.
I’ll have my review shortly, but in the meantime, pick up an Action Replay for yourself and track down a copy of the game. If you’re a fan, you won’t be disappointed.
Ken writes:
Mr. Luedtke? lol, sorry, I just find that funny. Okay the site is awesome. plain and simple. As usual, I have no complaints that I can think of. I mean I have been coming here way to long to complain (or maybe that is a reason I should)
When you said your saevildisticneighbor which is "the depiction of evil neighbors" burned there house down cause one them dropped there crack pipe, kinda reminds of a similar of this guy who was curious and wanted to see if he could pick up a burning log outta the fire place unharmed, and yeah, you can guess what happened.
Anywho (see, I am using more paragraphs for easy reading:) I remember the day "Cooking with John" first showed up on here, and let me tell you, its the greatest thing to ever hit the web. Although my friends don't see you sarcastic cynical ways (By the way, they are no longer my friends) I have enjoyed the hell outta this column and this site. Well, Happy belated birthday Cooking with John! (I'm so lame)
Anywho, stay cool, look forward to the next Cooking with John article. Would not want to disappoint me now would you Mr. Luedtke?
Ken
Ken, you’re always too kind. But thanks for the compliments. A year of doing this column roughly 5-6 times per week has been quite the experience. If nothing else, it’s helped me to get to know quite a few of our readers, which was precisely the point in doing it.
As far as my neighbors go, for a moment I was feeling a bit bad for them. You know, this being the holiday season and all. But then I remembered that the government would have them set up in a new place – free of charge – in no time. I’m glad I could help out.
Alessandro writes:
Ciao John, it's been a while since i wrote to this column, and i see you didn't post my comments on michael jackson's arrest...very baaaaad.
anyway, i'm struggling in the shops searching the fuckin' holyday gifts for my family, burnin' up money like everyone else in the western world. Luckily, this year snow didn't come down (i live in a northern part of Italy) and i thank god for that since i bought a new car only two months ago. given the state of roads here, it wouldn't have lasted too long.
enjoy another friggin' christmas, and give Top Spin a try, it rocks even if you don't like tennis.
keep on cookin'
-Alez-
Alez, I’m disappointed. When have I ever let you down, my friend? Of course I posted your Michael Jackson letter. You need to look a little harder, brother. Click here.
I’m making a concerted effort to be a bit more cheery about this whole Christmas thing. This weekend I have to go to Central Wisconsin to spend the weekend with Christine’s family. And while I’m not looking forward to a three hour drive to the middle of nowhere, sleeping on the floor of a tiny room, and sneezing my brains out from the dust and cat hair, I do get along famously with my new brother in law – who happens to be a Lutheran minister that enjoys drinking and getting stupid more than I do – and I get to spend the weekend with my kick ass wife.
See, how’s that for sunny side up?
Which brings me to my next point. I’ll be out of town for the next few days and won’t be able to update the column. Feel free to send in letters with the handy little form below and I’ll get to my responses as soon as I get back in town.
As I mentioned, the holidays aren't necessarily my favorite time of year. Perhaps I'd like them better if I didn't have to trudge through 12 feet of snow to get to my car, of which I then have to scrape off an inch of ice while warming it up for twenty minutes, consuming five gallons of gas, followed by a two hour trip to the mall, which is only five miles away, to stand in line for 45 minutes to purchase something that costs 50% more than it's worth, to then make the return trip of two hours and five miles only to find out that I bought the wrong size/model/edition/brand.
Perhaps if all of these things weren't part of the holiday festivities, I might be a little more sunny about the whole tradition.
Call me crazy, but I'd much rather sit at home with a good game and a cup of hot cocoa.
Return of the King starts tomorrow. Well, technically it starts tomorrow at midnight, which is in fact Wednesday. Either way, it starts in a little over twenty four hours from this exact moment. The fact that I'm so busy with this holiday nonsense that I may not be able to see it until next week is simply another strike against the season. How in the world can tracking down a trinket for somebody I hardly even know be more important than seeing the cinematic recreation of the final chapter of my favorite book of all time?
Marriage. That's how.
And you probably expect me to discuss games, eh? Well let me talk about a game that you probably haven't heard too much about. Naruto: Gekitou Ninja Taisen 2 is a game that I knew relatively little about until it showed up on my doorstep, due to the fact that the company I buy my imports from sent me the wrong game. Luckily for me, the game kicks all the ass and I decided to keep it. Naruto 2 is based on the manga and anime series Naruto, which tells the story of a young ninja in training. The game plays like a cross between the Power Stone series and a simplified Soul Calibur, although that comparison may be a bit gracious.
I'll have my full review in the coming days, but if you're at all into importing games for your Cube, this title comes recommended as it's a simple fighter to pick up and play, and once you fiddle around with the menus, the language barrier doesn't cause too much of a hassle.
Let's open the mailbag. This one is especially amusing. Sean writes:
what year did the xbox come out in?please can u tell me as i have a job interview and i need to no.
Heh. I can't imagine what sort of job interview would require you to know what year the Xbox was released, but rather than mock and ridicule you as Sonny suggested I do, I'll simply give you the answer. The Xbox was released in 1997, when it was known as the Telero-Knocker. It was sold exclusively at Shopko and Pamida stores located in the Northern Midwest and didn't fare very well due to its limited availability and the fact that broadband internet was very rare. Shopko and Pamida sold the TKer (as it was called by the gaming press) for a remarkable price of $949. It wasn't until the cost of technology came down that Microsoft was able to remarket the product as the Xbox and release it worldwide, rather than to just the techno-savvy woodsmen of the northwoods.
So there you have it, Sean. Good luck on that interview. If any of you need important bits of information to ace a job interview, scroll to the bottom and fill out the email form. I'm always glad to help.
I can't count the number of times I've discussed my month in Germany within the confines of this little column, but I'm going to at least one more time.
And that time is now.
Long story short, I spent a month in Germany immediately after college in 1999. It was there that my love of real beer and saurkraut took hold of my heart, never to let go. It really is a magical place; especially when you have nothing to do there but wander around and get piss drunk every day.
The other day, Christine and I happened upon a little place in St. Paul called the Glockenspiel. We figured it was just a tiny little bar, but when we walked in we found a full fledged German beer hall, complete with an accordion playing old man and more beer than you could ever drink. Last night, we took Hilden there and all three of us got right pissed.
Good times. Good folks. Beer.
The holiday season is slowly creeping up on me, much like death. I'm not sure why I dread it so much, but it may have something to do with all the little holiday get-togethers I'm forced to suffer through. Case in point: Saturday night with Christine's nurse friends. Don't get me wrong, they're a nice enough bunch of women...all twenty of them.
Yep, picture in your mind a room full of women, most being mothers of 2-5 children, and me. Sitting in the corner with a bottle of beer. For three solid hours. Grinning like a goof the whole time.
For those of you not married, the dinner party somehow becomes a regular part of your life. I'm not sure how it happens, but apparently people reach a certain point in their lives where simply getting together, having a few beers, and doing whatever comes to mind just isn't good enough anymore. Nope, pot-lucks, cookie-exchanges, and the like become as bountiful as the miles these people put on their mini-vans.
Not long ago, I received an invitation to a house warming party from a close friend of mine. It read as follows (on snowman themed stationary):
"Please join us for an evening of food, friends, and good conversation.
Dinner starts at 7pm, but feel free to come and mingle as early as 3pm."
Four hours! I'm going to sit there for four hours and "mingle"?
There was more, but I dare not recite it all for you lest I vomit. All I could think of after reading the damn thing was, "Well, there goes another one. Poor bastard." Luckily, for his sake, my friend assured me that these invitations were written by his wife. I, in turn, assured him that if I found out he wrote them, a trip to the nudie bar was in order. Motherf**ker needs some perspective.
Let's check the mailbag:
Hi john long time no see.
Sorry about the recent lack of emails but you know, with work and all ive been a busy man with hardly any time to play games. Speaking of which since i last emailed you ive bought a plethora of new titles which are: Viewtiful Joe, F-Zero GX, FFT:A, Advance Wars 2, Super mario advance 4 and true crime streets of la. Contrary to popular belief i dont think True crime is that bad a game sure it has its faults but what game doesnt. Its an enjoyable game, sure its not GTA but i feel it does do things a little better than it.
What they are however will have to wait for another time as im about to venture out of doors and purchase a new PC with which i can play neverwinter nights on. Im a Big fan of Black Isle as I have baldurs gate 1, 2 + both expansion packs and Icewind Dale 1 and 2 plus heart of winter and trails of the luremaster. I bought nwn gold with shadows of undredtide and also hordes of underdark for a snip and cant wait to get into it.
Its such a shame black isle are allegedly gone for good as they really were a good company and made games for gamers (like silicon knights, eternal darkness rocks) instead of just a quick cash in with little or no playability like most publishers nowadays(Fifa anyone?). They shall be dearly missed.
Also i love the new layout and drunken gamers and that cartoon thing showing all the crew is really cool, well done to all involved!
Craig
Thanks, Craig. I'm glad we're getting such a positive response from the comic. It's a total blast to do. Granted, I don't have to stick the hours of time it takes to draw the thing, but brainstorming with Hilden for new episodes is a gas. We just sit around for a while making eachother crack up and then he goes and sketches them out.
I have to commend your gaming selections, my friend. Nice work. However, do not neglect Prince of Persia. I can't express to you guys enough how great this game is. No matter what system you prefer, this game must be in your collection.
That's it for me. Don't forget that handy little email box below. It's so easy to use and it keeps your food fresh!
