The final step in completing my backyard masterpiece was laying down the sod. Now that it's done, I just look upon its splendor and think, "It is good."
You know, not that this is in any way interesting to anyone other than myself, but sod is a fascinating product. It's like rolling carpeting out in your backyard. It's an instant lawn! In fact, did you know that there is even a Midwest Sod Coucil? Can you imagine being a member of this council? What would their meeting be like?
Ok, enough of this bullshit. I'm just being an ass.
Earlier this afternoon, I played a game called "Somari", which as the name may or may not imply, is a game that combines Sonic and Mario into one happy little game. Now before you get your shorts all moist, let me tell you that this is a home-brewed game and not ever going to make it to commercial release. Despite this, it was pretty trippy controlling a super-speedy Mario around the Green Hill Zone and other classic Sonic levels.
Just as trippy was playing Super Mario Brothers: Warped Genetics - or something like that - which was the original SMB game starring Link. Instead of coins, there were rupees. Instead of koopas, there were little skeleton guys. Very amusing.
If Nintendo were really desparate, which they may become sooner or later, they could easily pump out games like these that put new spins on classic franchises. But that's right, they're more interested in new and original ideas rather than just churning out sequels.
*John checks Nintendo's upcoming release list and scratches his head.*
So back to my poker playing experience last night. It was relatively subdued. More like a dinner party with married people, which kind of goes against the grain of every notion I've ever had about poker and the environment in which the game should be played. We did play for money, although I don't really consider pennies and nickels to be high stakes and was a little disappointed by the whole dainty nature of the game. I mean, when I play poker, I want the room to be dimly lit, so smokey that it's hard to breath, and the smell of booze, pretzels, and flatulence thick in the air. And when I come home from a winning night of poker, I'd like to be able to proudly display my wad of cash to Christine, rather than have to hoist a plastic sack full of change on the kitchen table and have her say, "I thought you were playing poker, not bingo."
Anyway, Paul apparently had a bit more fun last night than I did, which explains why instead of the Week in Review, we have the same Classic Game of the Week article sitting on the main page, collecting dust. So, to make up for Paul's hangover, here's a picture of a pig with cow slippers.
Bonk's Back I don't know why I'm so giddy over the news that Hudson is bringing Bonk's Adventure to the GameCube as it is only an updated version of the original. Ok, well maybe I do. But other than the fact that I'll be able to play Bonk on my GameCube with snazzy updated graphics, perhaps it's also this pathetic little hope I'm clinging to that believes this could mean the beginning of a whole new life for the Bonk franchise.
I'll admit it, the Bonk games are fairly mediocre as far as platformers go. They don't hold a candle to the depth of the old Mario games, and don't have that certain cache the way the 2D Sonic games did. Regardless, it remains my favorite platforming series of all time.
I'm actually pretty scared by how badly developers could mess up a 3D Bonk game. I mean, the spinning, the bonking...it could be a disaster. However, if Hudson handled it as well as they have handled the Bomberman franchise - which are usually very mediocre, but still relatively enjoyable - I would be more than satisfied, as I'm sure would the three other Bonk fanatics out there.
I'm spending today sitting at my desk recovering from an incredible hangover. I don't know how it happened, but sure enough, I'm stuck sitting here dealing with the symptoms of last night's madness. I think perhaps Hilden slipped me a Mickey. Of course if that were the case, my ass would probably hurt as well. [BURN!]
The bad news is that tonight I'm off to play poker at a friend's house and it's my job to bring the beer. While I'm not a fan of the idea of doing this all over again tonight, I'm sure my spineless nature will get the better of me. Thank God it's Friday.
One last note. There's good news in the air for the aforementioned Lady Hilden as it appears he will finally get a chance to retaliate against the barrage of insults I hurl at him via this very column. We're working on a new regular feature in which we will sit down with a stack of games, a selection of beverages, and insult eachother to the death. Oh, and we might just talk about the games as well. Expect that feature - which I'm hoping to call "Hilden's a Pussy", but he's likely to disagree - in the coming weeks.
Hurt Pt. 3: You Could Have it All Sorry for getting all emotional earlier. That video of Johnny Cash really moved me; as it did Hilden and my other friend, Jon Yeske. Yeske was the guitar player in my old band a few years back and the "Hurt" video really overpowered us.
Music is a really sensitive subject as it used to mean the world to me, but over the last few years has really lost its meaning in my life. There are just so many phony musicians and bands out there that it's easy for me to lose interest in the whole scene. On one hand I hate the stereotypical plastic rock n' roll phony bullshit that goes on, but on the other hand I detest the pretentiousness that runs rampant in the artsy fartsy world of "alt-rock" and their psuedo-sincerity. I spent almost ten years dealing with that crap and trying to justify my faith in the book of rock n' roll to no avail. Only to become more disillusioned with the whole thing than when I first began.
Seriously, being a drummer in the whole "rock" scene while trying to maintain some sort of artistic "pureness" is more difficult than it sounds.
Seeing a living legend like Johnny Cash spill his guts out nearly killed me. Me, Hilden, and Yeske were all speechless as we watched this man pour his heart out and flash his career before our eyes on this very computer screen this evening. Just watching that video made the stories of Linkin Park's singer's illnesses seem that much more irrelevant and ridiculous.
I don't want to utilize this space telling you all what to listen to or what is relevant and "pure", but I beg of you to consider the sincerity of the music you're listening to. Even moreso, consider the intentions of the artist you're currently digging. There's no doubt that that Scott Stapp bastard is not only treading the ground that Eddie Vedder laid a decade ago, but also using his "spirituality" to gain headway in today's music scene.
There are so many others like him.
I majored in music while I was in college, but I never considered myself a "musician". More of a "musical philosopher", I guess; as pretentious and ridiculous as that sounds. Anyway, in my music composition class my Junior year in college, I was asked what was the most important factor in music. My answer was "intent". What is your intention when composing new music? For some reason, this caught not only my professor by surprise, but my entire class. To me, it was the most obvious answer to his question. My intent in music composition was to break new ground. To do something no one else had done. To be sincere. I certainly wasn't the most talented composer in the group, but this philosophy seemed to go against the grain of the other folks in my class.
The problem I see with current popular music is that it has taken so long to evolve. I mean, listen to the current pop "diva" on the radio and consider how much different it is from a Madonna song from 20 years ago. The same goes for just about any popular rock band on the radio right now. Honestly, I couldn't name a current top ten pop song, but I'm guessing not much could distinguish it from a top ten pop song from a decade ago.
If I've learned anything from my disillusion of pop/rock music, it's that the most innovative and profound stuff brought to the forefront is usually the most unappreciated. Chances are, if you're hearing it on the radio, it's derivitave crap. 9 times out of 10.
Jesus. I tend to go on, don't I?
Earlier today, I busted out a Classic Game of the Week on Earthbound for the SNES. I must admit that it's been years since I played through this incredible game. However, writing the brief article inspired me to pound through the game one more time. And I swear, if Nintendo doesn't translate the new GBA versions to the U.S., I'm going to bust some serious ass. What a great and innovative franchise.
So anyway, I started off with Johnny Cash's version of Trent Reznor's "Hurt". Let me finish by stating that this is true music. Not that phony shit you've been spoon-fed by radio or MTV. I don't care how you find it, whether it be the internet, radio, or a friend with great musical taste. You need to experience it and put yourself into Johnny's shoes. Imagine yourself at his stage in life and lose yourself in the song.
Tenchu Contest Winner Since someone decided to post the story where nobody can see it, I figured I'd pop a link here so you guys can see who won the Tenchu contest.
Hurt You know, I liked the song when Nine Inch Nails did it, and I love it now that Johnny Cash does it. Check it out if you haven't heard it already, which you probably have.
Anyway, musical legends aside, Martha Stewart's sure been in the news a lot lately, so I decided we could do a little tribute to the world's most popular decorator.
First let's look at Gothic Martha Stewart, a site that gives you tips on how to decorate your house like the Munsters. Damn that was a great show, with an even better theme song.
Moving on, we have some sort of anti-Martha site called Ode to Martha. So far it doesn't really contain much other than a 1,500 word diatribe rambling on and on about the evils of Martha Stewart. Somebody needs a freaking life.
And finally, here is something really pathetic: www.SaveMartha.com. An honest to goodness obsessive fansite that is claiming that conspiracy led to Martha's indictment. Somebody else needs a freaking life.
Here's a sample: It's a sad day for Martha, her company and all her fans, but our hope is that justice will prevail...
Yeah.
Because I like to know more about the readers of this site, I encourage you to take this quiz. I live in Minnesota, so #8 could be a bit of trouble for me. Feel free to send in your results.
Sedatives Well, after giving Charles hell for his moronic letter, I'm feeling a bit more sedated and at peace with the world. Perhaps what I need is a good lashing-out from time to time in order to calm myself and refocus.
Eric writes:
Wow, you really gave that guy an ass ripping. I find his argument that Microsoft always go into markets against people that are profitting amusing. Isn't that the point?
Anyway, good stuff. Just don't call me a moron.
~Eric
Don't worry, man. I have no intentions of turning this column into the stereotypical "insult your readers" jibber jabber that occurs all over the place. Only the ones that warrant it, like Chuck.
I spoke with Sonny yesterday at which time he told me I need to talk more about gaming in this column. So in honor of Sonny, the all-knowing, I will proceed by saying nothing more about gaming in today's entry.
Ain't I a stinker?
Rod sent over this story today. While I could make light of it, calling it another classic case of trailer parks, guns, and crack cocaine (which it is), I'm just going to sit back in astonishment and reflect as to how little progress we've made in the way of evolution as a society. I will say that it's refreshing to hear the guy say he takes full responsibility for his actions and does not want to be a burden on the taxpayers by sitting in jail. Give him the gas! He seems to want it.
I'm not sure if you've noticed, but GWX is looking for a few good staffers. The requirements obviously aren't that strict. I mean hell, we hired Brendon and Sonny runs the place! Anyway, we're looking to fill out a few departments that have been running a bit bare, as well as add a few niche staffers to the site. At the risk of sounding biased and pandering, I will say that GWX is a great place to put your creativity to use and to work on your writing chops. Not only that, but we're all very friendly - well except Rod, but that's why we keep him locked up - and are extremely open to new ideas and concepts. If you're interested in working with us, click here to fill out a staff application.
If you have any questions about working here, feel free to email me and I'll be sure to get back to you as soon as possible.
Keep the letters and links coming, folks. I promise I'll be as nice as possible.
Xbucks, M$, and Idiots I get some funny emails from time to time. Why just the other day some friendly reader sent in a picture of a busty Japanese girl and titled his email "Funny Link for Cooking with John". Now why this particular reader felt a nudie picture would have been appropriate for this site, I don't know. Perhaps it's some sort of vibe I give off.
Anyway.
Today, both Rod and I received an email titled "how come you buy that xbucks". Immediately I knew the letter would be fit for print. And without further ado, here is a brain-busting letter from a boy named Charles:
I dont get it why do you praise MS which is an evil monoplist company. Dont you know if they dominate it will be the nd of all competition. Ms is already a proven monopolist. I will tell you how evil are they. They always release products against companies who are profiting. Even they lost a lot of money like in the case of xbucks they will do anything just to make other companies fall. I know that your a american but i hope americans have a consciense to see the nagative impliccations of MS domination. Iam sure next time they will release a cell phone,tc, maybee even a car or underwear. Sun micro and Mac is already piss at them for being a cheater. They enter other business that is not even there line. Bill the faggot is so greedy. He is evil and will do anything to stop other companiesthose charity things he do is just a cover for his more evil plot. If he really helps the poor then the world should not be like this. I give you an example. He donates software to school which in fact he is just promoting windows. Also it is alredy proven that he is a devils disciple in many website.
Also how come you praise that xbucks. Itis not even selling well in japan and asia. In fact PSone even sells better than it. Also it just a PC. Look hise games. Mostly port of PC like doom 3 and halflife 3. I'll just upgrade my computer whioch which better and have more ram and resolution than that xbcuks which is heavy and the ugliest controller set up ever in the history of gaming.
Okay dont give me the reason that you dont care whose the comapny as long as we play. Dont this xbucks user have a consciense. Many will loose job if other comanies close do to lose form an evil MS and prices will be not competitive since MS dominates.
Iam just telling that we should not be happy that this MS is dominating. It is bad for the industry and the economy of the world. Thats all
I'm not even sure I should dignify this idiotic rant with a response, but here goes.
Charles, first of all, look at what operating system you're using. If it is indeed Windows, DOS, or any Microsoft product, immediately stop reading this and slap yourself in the freaking face. I don't want you to even look at another computer unless it is Linux or Mac O/S based. Understand me?
Second of all, change your email address. What kind of god-damned idiot calls himself "SuicideBomber007"? Again, slap yourself in the face.
Next, disliking Bill Gates and Microsoft is all well and good. I can appreciate that. But referring to Bill as "faggot" and using unnamed sources on the internet as proof that he is indeed a devil worshipper only further validates my opinion of you as a fucking moron.
Speaking of moron, stop using the terms "Xbucks" and "M$". And while you're at it, take off the spock ears and remove your dick from your hand. I'm sorry for being so harsh here, but damn man, get yourself together. Otherwise you're looking at a future of meandering the streets, collecting soda can tabs, and incessantly mumbling something about a fire hydrant being the second coming of the messiah.
Now that we're on the same page, the fact that you make so many ludicrous "points" in your letter makes the thought of even addressing a fraction of them a daunting and futile task. You're obviously beyond convincing, and most certainly beyond reason or anything resembling rational thought, so for me to waste any more of this space doing anything other than ridiculing you would not only waste my time, but the time of the other sensible, reasonably intelligent people who take a few brief moments of their day to see what's going on at GamingWorld X.
Moving on - and away from the warped world of Charles, aka. "SuicideBomber007" - Sonny's turned into a Matrix fanatic. So much that he's been spending hours attempting to convince himself that playing through Enter the Matrix is worth it simply for the storyline. He also passed along this link, probably thinking that it's a trailer for the fourth movie in the series. Somehow I doubt it. This kid's obviously a way better actor than Keanu Reeves.
What Evil Have I Wrought? I met my sister for some drinks at my favorite local hangout, The Chatterbox. She brought a few friends and I brought Lady Hilden, hoping that I could cheer him up after this weekend's incident. A good time was had by all, and we left the establishment with bubbles in our head, courtesy of the house special, Chatterbox Lager.
It was then that a valuable lesson was learned. Do not enter a record store with a healthy buzz in tow. We couldn't have been in the store for longer than ten minutes, and upon exiting, I had just purchased over $100 worth of music. It all seemed like a really good idea at the time, and indeed, today I find myself with some incredibly kick ass CDs to freshen my aging collection. Looking through my pile, I see two Mike Patton projects, the new Tomahawk album Mit Gas and Fantomas' killer take on classic film soundtracks Director's Cut.
So far so good. As a general rule, anything released on Patton's Ipecac label is good stuff.
Moving along, we have the latest Idlewild CD "The Remote Part". They're opening for Pearl Jam when they come to town next month, and I was hoping to check them out beforehand.
Three for Three.
Next up is The White Stripes' "Elephant". They've been all the rage of the pseudo-alt press and college radio, so I guess in my altered state I must have figured it was about time I jumped on the bandwagon. After a brief run through, this too was a decent purchase.
Which leads to the new Johnny Cash album, wittingly titled "Cash". For those of you who haven't been keeping track, I'm a big Johnny Cash fan. It's amazing how a dude at such a crusty old age can still pump out some of the most intense and passionate music around.
So far it appears that the purchases I made during my drunken visit to Cheapo weren't so bad afterall, right?
Until you reach the bottom of my pile and find - this is not a joke - Motley Crue's "Shout at the Devil". Something in my impaired, twisted brain told me that this would not only be an amusing purchase, but an entertaining one as well. As I sit here and look at the cover, which boldly displays four ugly bastards in makeup and leather comic book clothing, I think to myself, "What evil have I wrought?"
Then, as "Looks that Kill" plays in my stereo, I find myself tapping along with the tune as though some sort of virus has infected my better judgement, actually causing me to enjoy this stuff.
Some things are beyond explanation, and me inexplicably thinking, "This isn't so bad" while listening to "Too Young to Fall in Love" is one of them. Please don't think less of me, for I cannot justify this frightening phenomenon and am just as baffled as you.
So come now children of the best. Be strong, and shout at the devil!
