Slander The other day, it was all over the news. A local sportscaster was accused of beating his girlfriend during a swingers party at a St. Paul hotel. Allegedly, the woman was brought there without knowledge of what was going on at the party. A man approached the woman for some "swinging" and she took off. That was when she claimed the former sportscaster followed her and beat her.
The next day, local wacky morning radio shows were staking out his house and interviewing hotel employees, newspapers were calling it "salacious", and people everywhere were cracking jokes about the 66 year-old's libido. Needless to say, the man's reputation was ruined.
Today, the lady has come out saying she made up the allegations and nothing ever happened. Apparently she was jealous when he began talking to another woman so she made the story up out of revenge. A man's reputation is ruined, his life in shambles, and she gets off clean. Of course, she is remorseful:
"I'm not proud of how I've handled things."
Oh, well that's ok. You've pretty much screwed a guy's life, but at least you're sorry.
I'm sharing this story with you for a reason. I think it is incredibly important for us to seek out and punish domestic/sexual abusers to the fullest extent of the law. However, it's also important that we savage the people who abuse that law. This woman should be thrown in jail and forced to make a public apology to Tom Ryther for the damage, and also a public apology to the people of Minnesota for wasting law enforcement time and money on her little escapade.
Sorry for stepping on my high horse there, but damn, stuff like this gets me steamed.
Here's my segue. Like it?
A couple years ago, I took a month-long trip to Germany through school. It was considered a class, and indeed, I did receive credits for it. However, I'm not sure what type of class involves drinking yourself stupid on German beer every day and night, wandering through nude beaches pointing at the people screwing in the bushes, and nearly causing a riot in the lobby of an Austian hostel. Nevertheless, I had the best time of my life there and made some great friends; one of whom will be visiting this weekend.
Steph's a great girl, despite the fact that she spent some time dating the nefarious Lady Hilden. I'll never forget the night we left a message on Hilden's voice mail from said hotel in Salzburg. We were unbelievably drunk, and the only thing I could muster up in my little brain was to call him "The Red Menace", due to the flaming patch of hair on that goofy looking bean of his. Needless to say, the name stuck, and four years later, he is still The Red Menace and poses an even greater threat to humanity than the communists did fifty years ago.
Poop Jokes If you're looking for intelligent conversation today, go elsewhere.
I usually hate it when people forward bad jokes or chain mails. But if there's one thing I can identify with, it's a good poop joke.
You see, I'm a man who hates relieving myself in public. Not simply for the germs, which in and of itself is a whole other issue, but also for the privacy factor. I just don't understand how people can sit in a public room and give it hell. And they have absolutely no shame either.
But regardless of my aversion to the act of group pooping, inevitably it has to happen. There's only so long you can hold it without blowing out your sphincter. So it's probably a good idea to arm yourself with a good strategy before entering the rank and dingy bathroom at your place of employment/education.
I do not take credit for the following, but am merely passing it on so that you may feel more confident dropping the kids off at the pool in public. So without further ado, for your enjoyment I present:
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Speaking of crap, Hilden and I took a stab at Drunken Gamers Volume 2 this evening and were both struck with a violent case of writer's block. Could it be that we don't loathe eachother as much as we thought we did? That can't be. Even right now I can't think of a single bad thing to say about that flame-headed panty waste.
Quickie Sorry for the short update, but I'm in a bit of a rush.
So far the response for the Drunken Gamers feature has been overwhelmingly positive. I was worried that the humor would be amusing only to Hilden and I, but apparently a few of you get the joke as well.
Anyway, I wanted to tell a quick story about a conversation I overheard today. I overheard a couple of gaming reps (ie: suits) talking today. I won't mention the company they were with, but I have to say, hearing a couple of business guys trying to explain gaming to one another is hilarious.
"They call it 'co-op' gaming. I think that's because it's played cooperatively"
Ya think, stooge? My lord.
Again, I apologize, but I've gotta run. More tomorrow.
Just Like Costanza Christine and I went to pick out wedding invitations this evening. My lord, what a freaking ordeal. Me? I'm a guy. I'll be happy with writing the information on a scrap of paper, slapping it into an envelope, and sending them off. Hell, I'd be ok with emailing the invitations. But because she has a vagina (which I'm convinced accounts for something), we had to sift through book after god-awful book of invitations, picking the invitation that was "just right" for our special day.
It reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld where George and Susan go to pick out wedding invitations and he picks the cheap ones with the toxic glue that eventually wind up poisoning and killing Susan. After getting the bill for in excess of $600, I started to think that maybe George had the right idea.
I'm kidding! I'm sure every invited guest will piss themselves with awe when they see our carefully selected envelopes and exclaim, "These envelopes perfectly express the truly one of a kind love that John and Christine have for one another. I've never in my life seen anything so wonderful."
Ok, I sound a little bitter, but to be fair, I did spend what seemed like an eternity in that store flipping through page after page, pretending to be interested. That should give me cause to vent.
Our new feature Drunken Gamers should be going up tonight (providing Sonny doesn't fall asleep or get distracted by his shadow). I would greatly appreciate it if you folks would send me your thoughts on the feature. My fear is that it may only be entertaining to Hilden and I while the rest of the world sit back and scratch their heads in bewilderment. So please, take a moment and let me know what you think of the article. I'd greatly appreciate it.
Jack Lambert Attitude Back in Wisconsin, there was a band I used to watch called "Venison". What a great name for a Wisconsin-based band, eh? The were bad-freaking ass too. The singer couldn't sing to save his soul, but for a moment in time, they made being from Wisconsin cool, and not something most people - including myself - would rather deny. Here's a sample lyric:
I said f**k it! I've seen your band and you ain't The Replacements. You don't understand.
We blew a rod on the way to La Crosse 'cause in Wisconsin we say, "Forward!"
That's some good stuff.
I had a bit of a film festival this weekend, the highlight of which being Barton Fink from the Cohen Brothers. Hilden and I watched it while Christine sat on the couch sleeping. At the end of the film, Hilden and I just looked at eachother and simultaneously exclaimed, "Holy shit!"
I have yet to see a Cohen Brothers movie that I didn't like.
The lowpoint of this weekend's viewing would have to be the advance screener I received of "The Real Cancun", which should have been titled "The Real World: With Tits". I knew the movie would be horrible, but I guess I wasn't prepared for how horrible it would be, or how deeply it would intensify my disgust for humans. It was like a cross between the Real World and Girls Gone Wild, only the premise of a week in Cancun didn't quite allow one to get into the cast members as deeply as would the Real World (which in this case is a blessing as these people represented the underbelly of frat/sorority puke), and its R rating wouldn't allow the all out titilation of Girls Gone Wild. What was left over was a boring, and not at all in depth look into the MTV generation's spring break experience.
If you want reality television, just turn on the TV. If you want slutty drunk chicks taking off their tops, watch Girls Gone Wild.
Well, Brendon said he likes it when I give a preview of what's coming this week on GWX, and since I like Brendon far more than I like Sonny, I'll actually give him what he wants instead of ignoring his request and mocking him.
We've got an Editor's Roundtable, which is shaping up to be about as interesting as it was last week...which isn't very. I made the mistake of allowing everyone to talk about anything, rather than picking a topic, and I'll be damned if we don't find out who's rooting for which hockey team!
Beyond that, Brendon's got a great editorial, as always, which takes on the ever-controversial subject of idiot lobbyists and their self-serving ways. Also in the pipe is the feature Drunken Gamers that I mentioned last week. Judging by how vicious we are to one another, you'd never know that Hilden and I are actually very good friends. And finally, Adam has graced us with a Classic Game of the Week feature on the fighting game that pretty much invented the term "video game violence".
