There are times when I believe in magic. Spirituality. Things that make my insides warm. Sometimes I get chills. Sometimes I feel naive and green like when I was 17. There's really no feeling to match the feeling you have when you are 17. You're not sure you have your shit together, but something inside you tells you that your shit is more together than your parents.
You don't have any money. You don't have any future plans. But if you're lucky, you've got a girl next to you.
You just might have her.
And though that love is fleeting, at the time it feels eternal. Pure. Almost holy.
Because it's the first time you've felt that somebody understands. Somebody is in the same shaky boat as you. The touch you feel is the touch you give. Whatever that means.
I was 17. For exactly one year. Then I turned 18 and everything was confused. I was supposed to be an adult, but couldn't have been further from it. After all, what is an adult? Is it some stiff office fuck in a suit, trying to please his/her superior? Is it somebody with a mortgage? A wife? Kids?
I tell you, I'm 27 years old and still don't know what it means. I'll be 30 in less than three years. I remember when my mother turned 30. And that shit is heavy.
I sit here nearly every day, playing video games. Cartoon characters on a screen, minipulated by a control pad. Am I recapturing some sort of lost youth thing or treading a new path? And when it comes down to it, does it really fucking matter? Who the hell do I think I am anyway? I write for a modest gaming site and my pontifications reach a few thousand people per day. Is my own personal therapy worth your time? Probably not.
Maybe I should drink less.
But like I said: there's no feeling like being 17. If you're 17 or reaching 17, be sure to savor that age for each minute of the 365 days. Each time you drive in your car, get kicked out of a class, get loaded with your idiot friends, get laid, sit in a field under the stars, talk endlessly to a friend in your car, skip class to go nowhere in particular, yell obsceneties in the McDonald's Drive Thru, piss off the back of a pickup truck or porch, fight with your parents, open a can of shitty beer, listen to the latest trendy band to hit the airwaves, discover an old band like The Doors or Led Zeppelin, or play a new or old video game, remember how good it is to have your youth. Because it'll slip. The same way Sadie did. The same way Sarah did. But it's ok, because it's meant to.
And no matter how utterly confused and fucked up you are, someday you'll find what you are looking for.
I've Got a Golden Ticket I love it when worlds come together.
I'm a big fan of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, as is Christine. In fact, the movie was one of the first gifts I ever bought for her. (Isn't that special?) I can't imagine someone not liking that movie as it has just about all the necessary elements to make it a classic.
I'm also a big fan of Tim Burton's movies. From Pee Wee's Big Adventure to Batman to Sleepy Hollow, the guy does a marvelous job. His movies are unique, stylized, and all have an unmistakable Tim Burton feel to them.
And finally, Johnny Depp. I was a huge fan before all this Pirates of the Caribbean hoopla, which isn't to say that movie isn't fantastic, because it most certainly is. Depp's performances in movies like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and the aforementioned Sleepy Hollow were all spectacular.
And now, these three worlds meet. Reports are indicating that the already confirmed Wonka remake, which is to be directed by Burton, may now star Johnny Depp.
Utterly fantastic. I can't think of a better actor to reprise the role Gene Wilder made famous.
I'm giddy.
I spent last evening holding a marathon session of Samurai Shodown in preparation for my Classic Game of the Week article. As I've noted in this column before, I'm not usually very adept in the fighting genre. Learning all the special moves and combos is usually a big turn off for me. But games with such incredible depth like Samurai Shodown and Virtua Fighter have given me a newfound appreciation for the genre.
World's Fastest Toejam I've been spending some time with KOEI's G1 Jockey 3, preparing to do a review, and it's a game unlike any other I've played. Honestly. That's neither good nor bad. It's just a fact.
I haven't seen Seabiscuit, but I suppose now I should. Although its name gives one the imagery of someone pooping in a swimming pool. Anyway, back to the game. My early impression was that it was tedious, boring, uninspiring, and unnecessarily and quite overly detailed. I raced six different horses and took last place in all six races. I was frustrated, bored, and irritated that I had to press on through the game simply for the review.
Then I won my first match.
Not only that, but I won my first match and realized just how I won. Car racing games are pedal-to-the-metal games that require hardly much more than speed to win. However, push your horse straight out of the gate and drive him hard right away and the race will surely be lost. Apparently, horses get fatigued. Who knew?
While I'll save my final verdict for the review, I will say that if you're looking for a total change of pace, and have a good deal of patience, pick up the title and give it a go.
I topped the evening off by doing an hour and a half of VF4: EVO training. No matches, mind you. Just training.
It's funny how as gamers we tend to demand instant gratification. We want the intro to the game and the first level to grab us by the balls, or whatever genetalia, and pull us in. I suppose the same can be said for any sort of entertainment medium. I think we're just lazy bastards and because of this, we tend to miss out on the intricacies and finer points of the deeper, more subtle games, movies, books, whatever.
My point? There is none. Have you been paying attention?
Where'd the Cheese Go? First, I apologize for not updating yesterday. But the reason for my absence is also the subject of this entry.
The good folks from Nokia stopped by for a visit yesterday and dropped of an N-Gage and eight nearly-finished games. Hilden and I sat and talked with them for over an hour, discussing their launch plans, future plans, and of course, getting a good dose of demonstration and gameplay time.
I still have a great deal of mixed feelings about the unit and its games, but need to spend more time with it before we put up our N-Gage blowout article. However, I will briefly give you a few early pros and cons.
Pro: * I love the multi-functionality of the thing. All it needs is some Pocket PC functions and it would be the perfect all-in-one unit for me.
* It's got some amazing potential. It's a killer piece of hardware, capable of pumping out some of the most impressive handheld visuals ever. Just a quick run through of Tony Hawk will prove that.
* The Blue Tooth technology rules. Hilden and I got to play some two-player Pandemonium via Blue Tooth and its ease of use and convenience was awesome. There's some definite potential here.
Con: * The N-Gage seems to - at the moment, at least - be lacking any sort of trademark, exclusive software that will set it apart from other consoles. Sure, it's got Sonic, Tony Hawk, Monkey Ball, and Tomb Raider. But so does everybody else. They've yet to unleash a "killer ap".
* While I still have to spend more time with it, at this early stage I'm disliking the button layout and button action immensly. They feel like phone buttons, not gaming buttons.
* They can downplay it all they'd like, but the fact that in order to change games you have to shut down the system, remove the back cover, and remove the battery is a tremendous pain in the ass.
So that's what I've got for you at the moment. I'll spend more time with the unit and report back. Stay tuned for a huge N-Gage feature from Hilden and I, probably early next week.
Contest Winner and Letter Mania It's extremely difficult to type when your fingers are shaking, your eyes are shaking, and you bowels are also shaking.
Last night was my long-awaited bachelor party. The events of the evening are strictly classified, but let me just say that I have the best group of friends a guy could ask for.
By the way, does anybody have any balm?
So because my mind isn't exactly right, I'm going to let you guys do my talking for me. First, let me announce the winner of the latest Cooking with John contest. If you remember, the prize is an advance copy of Sakura Wars: The Movie on DVD. I asked you to simply write in with whatever sort of crazy babble you had on your mind, and I'd pick the one that intrigued me the most. This week's winner, with a stunning tale of psuedo erotica, is Larry Lammers II:
First of all, I just wanted to let you know that the rewards of participating in the CWJ Contest #5 are much greater than participating in Lou Bega's Mambo #5. I'm sure you were already subconsciously aware of this, but in the event that this letter wins and gets posted, I wanted to enlighten all the other readers. Thank you for that opportunity.
Secondly, "my friend" recently attended what was called a "Girls' Passion Party." It was allegedly top secret and girls only, and I was clueless as to what a "Girls' Passion Party" could possibly be so I began to play the guessing game with her.
"Is it a slumber party? Bridge Club? Underground Avon Association?" I asked.
"No. No. Nooooo..."
And then I remembered my mother's crazy passion: collecting anything and everything stamped..."Tupperware."
"It's a Tupperware Party!!" I announced triumphantly. She smirked.
"It's not Tupperware, but it burps..."
Ew. Ew. I can't believe such parties even exist. In America.
Thank you and goodnight,
Larry Lammers II
Yes indeed, Larry. Parties like those exist. Did I mention I had a bachelor party last night?
Anyway, send in your address and I'll get your prize out to you sometime in the next six years. As other contest winners can attest to, I'm not usually all that prompt in delivery.
Here are a couple other letters I received. This one's from the Dee'M, who happens to be a mechanic:
I've always maintained that I have a weird life. Currently, my job as a mechanic at Arrow Limo has given my a load of new reasons to say so.
Y'see the other day, Roger (the owner of the company) got out of a Ford van. My boss, Ted, walked over to it and just starts laughing his ass off. Why would he do something like that? Well, it appears that the last driver who had the car forgot what time of the month it was. By now Ted has started yelling "Roger had his period!". Very amusing, especially to watch Roger go red. When he showed up later that day, he had different pants on.
Another interesting anecdote would be I had to get a ride home in a towncar this summer. I was bullshitting with the driver on the ride about this and that, but mainly about movies. A day or two later when I saw him at work, he pulled me aside and asks "Well uh...I was wondering....would you like to go to the movies with me sometime?" Now the problem here isn't even in the possible alternative lifestyle he might lead, but rather the fact that he's some 30 years older than me.
There was another time that the company was selling some cars. One of the guys who was buying a towncar also tried to steal a drill from the shop. It's not even like the drill was left in the car or something. The guy had done his business, bought the car, and was hanging around for a few minutes. He walked into the shop and tried to walk away with a drill. Mind you there were 3 mechanics (myslef included) and cameras right there. So when one of us decided to ask him why he was taking the drill, he denied he had it.
Pretty amazing stuff, neh? The best part is that it's all true.
There are quite a few other stories too, but that's for another day.
The Dee'M
Listen, Dee'M, I don't feel it's my place to explain the ways of nature, man and woman, etc. But get yourself an anatomy book and then you'll understand how I'm confused about Roger's menstrual cycle.
Here's a little rant from D-Money. Boy, you all have such creative names. Please start calling me "J-Rod":
Why the hell else would anyone message you? Hah. Anyways, this contest blows, so I'm writing you in regards to why it blows, as I can barely think of anything to write in the first place, but I want the DVD. Damn you and your ways of making people work. I'm a crappy writer, I can't think of writing something just outta nothing, I need motivation, and you give it not. Thanks. =) On a side note, did you ever play Circus Maximus for the Xbox? Holy shit that game rules. Ok, back to how I hate this contest and just want the DVD. Yea, so you said something creative or unusual. So I'll just ramble here. Did you see that one episode of X-Play? Holy shit, best episode. It was the preview episode, previewed Halo 2, Fable, CastleVania (the new one) and some other great games. Man, that episode ruled, and Morgan looked pretty good also. And I just bought MGS2:Substance for the xbox, and all I can say is WTF. Where the hell is my snake skateboarding? I neve rread anywhere they took it out. Son of a bitch, that's the main thing I wanted, however, using the HF Blade with Raiden in VRMissions is fun, so what the hell. =/
I don't know if you played Warcraft III or The Frozen Throne(Which you should, they rule.), but I thought I'd throw in this screen shot. It's totally awesome, and even if you have to cheat through the campaign, it's worth it to see the movie this is from. It's from the bonus endingin credits on Warcraft III:TFT. Totally awesome. The second one is from the ending movie, though it may be a spoiler if you DO know what is supposed to be happening there, I can't really think of anyway it would be a spoiler though.
Anyways, I can barely think of stuff to ramble out on. Maybe I'll write back after I can think of something to write about. =/ ~D-MONEY~
Holy Hanna, D-Money. That was quite the rant! You came very close to topping the list, but how could I argue with Larry's burping story?
Here's a letter that from a person who claims to not be interested in the Sakura Wars prize, but does have some good stuff to say:
I have been reading your articles for about six months now and I am hooked. What has prompted me to write this was your commentary called I Blame Hilden. I am about a year from graduating with my Masters in Education. I walked into class a couple of days ago when my Indigo GBA fell out of my bag, and instead of something cool like Metroid or Zelda in it, I had Legend of Starfi. It appears that you cannot study to be a teacher and enjoy video games and comic books at the same time.
About the wedding, it will be over soon. I was married four months ago and shortly after the wedding we started sleeping in on Saturdays because there is "nothing better to do". Go figure.
As the subject stated, I do not think this letter is screwed up enough for the Sakura Wars DVD, I just want you to know that I enjoy your Cooking with John commentaries and look forward to many more.
Thanks, Steven
Thanks a million Steve. I'm glad that at least one person enjoys these little rantings of mine, despite the fact that I often find myself debating their value.
Incidentally, Hilden's going to be going after his Masters in Education next summer. If that guy can get away with it, being the uber-geek he is, you should have no problem whatsoever. Game on, my brother.
And finally, Ken wants to get in on the Mary Kate & Ashley fun:
You know, as much as people think that Mary Kate and Ashley are Godesses, they just get on my nerves. I think they will be porn stars by the time they are freaking 20. As you noted, I think they will be in palyboy by the next day they are legal. My little sister liked them when they were little, but just think of all the shows they had that flopped? People should just get over them.
To be honest, I really don't know that much about the twins. Sure, every guy has this dream of jumping in the sack with two girls, not to mention a pair of twins. Don't ask me why. It's just the nature of the beast. But what you have to understand is that I'm 27 years old, and pedophilia isn't really my bag. There's just something so...creepy about how people lust after these girls. Of course, in 300 days I may just change my tune.
So there you have it. Thanks to everyone for writing in. You sure make my job easier and it's cool to hear different anecdotes and points of view other than my own mindless bullshit.
By the way, the next time you're at Deja Vu in Minneapolis, tell Nina I said hello.
