Welcome to Drunken Gamers, the first of our new regular features here on GWX and where gaming commentary is served up straight with no chaser. When working on the site’s relaunch and trying to come up with new and unique ideas for your entertainment, we looked back on some of our past features for inspiration. The original Drunken Gamers received a tremendous response from readers and was a great deal of fun to do. So with that in mind, we’ve warmed up our consoles, stocked up the bar, and taken out insurance policies on our kidneys and livers.
We’d like for you to think of Drunken Gamers as a variety show of sorts, with recurring segments and features. Each week we’ll be doing our best to mix things up a bit and give you something new to giggle at. We also would like to encourage reader participation. If you’d like to get in on the shtick, cozy up to the bar and join right in. You can reach us at DrunkenGamers@gamingworldx.com.
And now, the first round!
Getting to Know Your Drunk
We’re not much for introductions, but it’s always good to know who’s serving your drinks. Here’s a little bit of dirt on our resident drunks.
John Luedtke bears the title “Managing Editor” at GamingWorld X. Of course, he also likes to call himself “Grand Pooba” and “Big Donkey Boy Blue” after a few drinks. His drink of choice is the Captain/Coke and his genre of choice is “anything that doesn’t suck”, ruling out Hilden’s mom.
Aaron Hilden is the resident Features Editor at GWX and likes long walks on the beach and hot sex with John’s sister. The flavor of choice would be anything dark and British and as soon as she leaves, Captain and Coke will do just fine, thank you. When not whiling away the hours, he likes to sit down with his favorite RPG or racing game and swear at people online.
Welcome to the first edition of the Drunken Mailbag. We’d like to think of this as our own little Anne Landers column. That is, if Anne Landers was a raging alcoholic. If you have a question for our Drunks to answer, or are seeking some sort of advice, feel free to send your letters to DrunkenGamers@gamingworldx.com.
Niiki writes:
Dear Drunks,
Great idea for a column. I loved the first feature and have been waiting for it to come back for a while.
Anyway, onto my question. I just started a new job that requires a good deal of time and commitment. I’ve got a load of new games sitting at home begging for my attention. My question is how do I balance my newfound commitments with my love of gaming?
Keep up the good work.
Niiki
John responds: I think I’m qualified to field this particular question. First of all, a job is a job is a job, my friend. Gaming is important. Take my wife, for example. I was just married and already I’ve laid down the law. When she says, “Spend time with me!” I just say, “Sorry, baby. Daddy’s got business.” Sure, she gives me those puppy eyes, but I’m a man, and men can’t be bothered with chicks and romance. Nah, I’ve got man-type shit to take care of.
And then she cooks me a potpie. Chicks dig me.
Hilden: Ok, you’re full of complete shit. Let me tell these loyal readers the real story of John and the wife.
Independent John says to himself “let’s go play video games as they are fun and beneficial to life.” Then the wife enters the picture with her “it’s time to be a grown up and spend adult time with me watching reality television”. Independent John is angry with this and would LIKE to tell his wife to go and bake a potpie.
But it is at that moment that RELATIONSHIP John enters the picture. Relationship John goes over and proceeds to KILL Independent John as his loyalty is to the wife and the things that she loves, like knick-knacks and flower arrangements. It is this way because a John divided against itself CANNOT STAND!
My advice to you is simple. Don’t get married. You play a TON more games that way. Work, yeah it’s ok, but only as a way to get more video games.
NEXT QUESTION!
John: Ok, if you’re done plagiarizing Seinfeld…
Hilden: I said NEXT QUESTION!
John: …asshole…
Grabbed by the Ghoulies
Last year, Nintendo surprised the world by selling off Rare, once its most coveted second party, to their archrival Microsoft. The gaming world scoffed and considered this another example of Nintendo losing their freaking minds. Well, as it turns out, Nintendo had incredible foresight. It seems that waiting 2+ years for a mediocre turd of a game doesn’t make excellent business sense. And that is what we’re left with in Rare’s first Xbox game, Grabbed by the Ghoulies.
For this first Glazy Eyed Review, the Drunks invite their old AA buddy, Moe, for a bit of pissing and moaning.
Moe: Just like their guy, Tony Blair, Rare has sold their souls to “The Man” and produced one of the shiniest piles o’ poo we’ve seen since the lackluster blockbuster Godzilla. Nothin’ like investing an amount of cash (roughly the GNP of a small East Bloc country) in something that has no chance of success. Did the testers even play the damn thing? To fight, just push in the direction of the bad guy! Clever. Too bad it works as well as the vibrating fat belts. You know those things. The black and white videos, circa 1955, of HUGE people strapped into a vibrating hell strap. They look so happy… and just watch the pounds melt away! Much like the foreseeable future developments by Rare, should they ever make it to market.
John: And what’s the deal with that butler calling me “Sir” all the time?
Sir, I shall now relegate you to a steaming heap of effluence. First Sir must awkwardly run from room to room using his gimp-like skills to kick and punch flimsy skeletons. Now, as an ingenious twist, Sir must beat said skeletons within a set time limit. Oh, what’s that? It appears that Sir has fallen asleep due to utter boredom. Well, let me commend Microsoft on their wise purchase. Who wants tea?
Aaron: This game fucking sucks and let me tell you why. Right now, even Moe looks hot and I’m ready to tell every living one of you how much I love and care about you all. Yet, even in this state of haze and bliss, this game pisses me the hell off in ways I can’t articulate.
Have you looked at the Rareware website lately? They use words like “phalanges”, “trochlear” and “clavicles” on their main page. What the fuck? Do you think you sound intelligent and British by using words that describe body parts? What the hell is wrong with you people? How about you spend less time with the damn thesaurus looking up words to make you sound “kooky and English” and more time stopping your employees from making crap ass tripe like the shit pile that is Grabbed By the Ghoulies. What kind of a name is that anyway? Who uses the word Ghoulies? What are we, four?
Let’s review, shall we? Here are the games they post as “trophies of greatness” on their main page. The stuff they want you to remember that they made and still want you to go out and buy. These would include “Banjo-Kazooie”, “Perfect Dark” and “Conker’s Bad Fur Day”. None of these being made in this century or for a system that is still on mainstream store shelves, I might add. You’ll note that Grabbed By the Ghoulies isn’t on that list. Want to know why? Because the game SUCKS!
I’m not even going to go into the details of why I don’t like this game. I don’t have the time or the patience. Just do yourself a favor and piss on the demo disc you inevitably bought in hopes that this would be a good game.
John: Holy crap. That was quite the rant. Bravo.
Ever notice that when drinking with friends, one guy always falls in love with everyone? He’s the guy who gets all misty-eyed when remembering the “good old days”. The one who puts his arm around you and tells you just how much you mean to him. In the spirit of the weepy-eyed mushy man, we present to you this week’s “I Love You, Man!”
Dear Diddy Kong Racing,
Remember that magical November weekend when we got drunk together and beat the Octopus? And remember when the mighty Wiz Pig was felled and we celebrated by breaking my bed?
That was awesome!
I know, I got a bit smelly from not bathing for 72 hours and I had to store my urine in the Scooby Doo cup, but we did it together, man. You and me! We were like…monkey brothers, man. Blood monkey brothers. Like…like B.J. and the fucking Bear, man! Except without the semi… and the cops…
Anyway, that ruled.
Diddy Kong Racing… I love you, man.
[Once again, please do not drink if you are under twenty-one. We can’t afford lawsuits.]
This week’s Drinking Game Game is to be played with any games in the Mario Party series. We like to refer to this game as “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.” Think you’re a tough guy? Well, Mr. Sally-Pants, hike up your skirt and take a deep breath.
Pick your favorite mixed drink. We prefer Captain and Coke. Mix your drink one part alcohol, two parts wash. This drink is known as “The Good”. To begin, choose a thirty-five round game of Mario Party. You’re free to choose fifty, if you’re feeling like a hard ass, but for now we recommend thirty-five.
The rules of the game are simple: each time you lose a challenge or a mini-game, you must take one complete swallow. Watch your buddies closely to make sure they’re taking full swallows. No lightweights in this game!
Continue playing Mario Party until you’ve lost enough mini-games to finish your first drink. You’ve just passed “The Good”. Now onto “The Bad”. This drink consists of one part alcohol, one part wash - half and half. Continue as on the last round until you’ve lost enough mini-games to finish your second full glass.
Because you suck at the game, you get to move onto…”The Ugly”.
It’s time to remove the safety net. One part alcohol, no wash. Continue with shots until either the game ends or you pass out.
Wasn’t that fun? Now clean up that puke!
The Real GamingWorld X
Welcome to the first edition of our new web comic, “The Real GamingWorld X”. With each edition, we’ll give you an inside look at what “really” goes on behind the scenes at GWX.
This week, in honor of the site relaunch, we’ve decided to give you a tour of GWX-HQ. We’d like to introduce you to a few members of the GWX staff and site president, Sonny Uppal.
We hope you’ve enjoyed the first edition of the new Drunken Gamers. Expect a great deal of new features and a load of changes here on GamingWorld X throughout the next few weeks. If you have any suggestions, questions, or comments, drop us a line at DrunkenGamers@gamingworldx.com.
