Please Note: The opinions expressed in this feature are the authors’ own and do not necessarily represent GamingWorld X as a whole. If you are under 21 years of age, please do not drink. If you do drink, please drink responsibly. In other words, don’t do something stupid and blame it on us.
Bow wow wow yippee yo yippee yeah, Drunken Gamers in the mutha fuckin’ hizzouse!
Welcome to the second episode of Drunken Gamers, where gaming commentary is served straight up with no chaser. [Are we the only ones who think that slogan is lame as hell? Oh well. At least it’s snappy!] This week we bring you more wobbly-stepped stupidity. And while we’ll try to be more entertaining than a bag of soggy potatoes, we’ll also try to be less irritating than that damn new McDonald’s commercial.
I’ve changed my hair, my clothes, my look but not my priorities I know who I am and McDonald’s knows me I’m lovin’ it!
So now that we have the aria of the devil in your heads as well as ours, let’s begin with the Drunken Mailbag!
If you’re seeking answers or advice, or just want to get right pissed, send your letters to DrunkenGamers@gamingworldx.com.
The Grey Goose writes:
First off, I bring a message from Messrs. Bean, Walker and Daniels:
"Whiskey is far superior to whatever the Captain and Co. have to offer. Just thought we'd make that clear."
Secondly, my question: In the good sirs esteemed opinion, are video game soundtracks worth buying? I see them every now and then in my local EB, and I feel like I want to pick one up every now and then, but then it feels like I could just play the game, too.
And finally, why does John look like Conan O'Brien in the DKR segment? Utterly, utterly terrifying...
-The Grey Goose, a.k.a. Alex
Well, Goose, first of all, thanks for your letter. Though you fly south, your love still reaches Minnesota.
Starting from the top, the Captain resents your statement and encourages you to walk the fucking plank. He would also like to know if the Mr. “Bean” you refer to is the same one as depicted by the talented Rowan Atkinson. It seems to the Captain that all of your shit may not be together.
Moving onto the meat of your letter. Are video game soundtracks worth buying? Well, that depends on your personal tastes. Do you enjoy the music of the video game you’re playing enough to buy the soundtrack? When on a bender, the Drunks prefer a hearty dose of speed metal, so we can’t say we’ve ever been inclined to purchase a CD containing the gentle hymns of the Mushroom Kingdom.
However, if you’re really into video game music, and are even thinking of a career in that particular business, may we suggest checking out The Video Game Music Archive. There you’ll not only find a load of killer soundtracks to purchase, but also a load of music for free download, including our favorite soundtrack, Super Metroid. If you’re wooing a female caller, nothing can make her gizzards quiver quite like the subtle, sexy sounds of Brinstar.
And finally, onto your question about Mr. Luedtke and his likeness to Conan O’Brien. We’re not sure how this likeness came to be. Are they long lost brothers, separated by the neglect of some drunken Irish ruffian? For those of you not in the loop, The Grey Goose is referring to this picture from last week.
While we lack the resources for a DNA testing, we decided to see what would happen if Conan O’Brien and John Luedtke mated. Here was our result:
Not fucking pretty. Goose, we hereby ban you from this feature for even suggesting that such a hideous freak of nature was possible.
And now, for the Drunken Debate.
Ah yes, a drunken brawl, the center of every good frat boy party or other testosterone infused, latent homoerotic gathering. And while our drunks don’t possess nearly as much flaming machismo as your average Backyard Wrestling aficionado, they do enjoy a good argument as much as the next guy. With that in mind, we bring you the Drunken Debate.
If you’d like to suggest a topic for the Drunken Debate, leave your suggestion on this thread in our forums or drop us an email at the address above.
This week’s topic comes from rabid forums poster FinalBahamutC2K. Bahamut would like to know “Sonic and Mario, who’s more of a pimp?” Let’s find out!
John:So between the two gaming icons, you want to know which one has a way with the ladies? I have to go with Mario. I mean the guy’s a plumber. He knows plumbing. He’s good with his tool and knows how to do the job. Plus, how many housewives can resist the crack of a plumber’s ass? Just ask Hilden’s mom; and his biological father, for that matter.
Hilden: Hey, plumbing is an honorable profession, ass! But let’s talk about the speed king. Now, according to Christine, that’s you in bed, but today we’re talking about pimp daddy Sonic the Hedgehog. How can this guy NOT be a hit with the ladies? Let’s recall who else is known as the Hedgehog, shall we? That’s right. That would be none other than Ron Jeremy, who has ladies at his beck and call. So, it just goes to prove that Sonic gets the ladies like your sister gets syphilis.
John: Let us refer back to last week’s episode where Hilden stated, and I quote, “Aaron Hilden is the resident Features Editor at GWX and likes long walks on the beach and hot sex with John’s sister.”
Now you tell me how my sister got that syphilis, you disease-ridden tramp!
And it’s funny you bring up Ron Jeremy. Sure, the guy is known as the Hedgehog, but even he knows who the man is.
So take that, beotch!
Hilden: Your ready access to pictures of male porn stars dressed as video game characters is interesting, John. Care to explain that? Your homoerotic behavior not withstanding, I’ll endeavor to answer your dubious claims. You must remember, my dear Lady Luedtke, that your sister is like Coke. It mixes with a lot of other things. Some good, some hopping with more bacteria than a laboratory. The village bicycle can’t be too picky about who rides her and this traveler doesn’t ride the bike naked...if you know what I mean.
What were we talking about again?
John: Your nefarious plan to tarnish the reputation of my pristine sister has unfortunately cost you this battle, my easily-distracted friend. Much like your quest to penetrate something other than your favorite sock, your endeavor here has failed.
I hereby declare myself THE WINNER!
Hilden: Bullshit!
Welcome to the first installment of Pissed Up at the Movies. In this segment, we’ll be searching the bargain bins and our massive pile of pre-release screeners for some of the worst pieces of cinematic garbage ever to be captured on film. The objective is to rate the movie based on how many shots of liquor it would take to make the movie tolerable, let alone a good flick. Settle back into your chairs as this week we bring you “Britney Baby, One More Time.”
What’s more repelling than Britney Spears? A man impersonating Britney Spears, of course. Britney Baby, One More Time weaves a disturbing web of cross-dressing, independent film-making, celebrity stalking, road trips, and the drinking of Old Milwaukee.
Ok, so a movie about Britney Spears is a pretty easy target, right? However, what really compelled us to check this flick out were its leading men, Mark Borchardt and Mike Schank of American Movie fame. If you haven’t had a chance to check out American Movie, get your asses to the video store post haste. It’s a cult classic unlike any other that documents a behind the scenes look at an independent film maker (Borchardt) as he and his buddies struggle to find the resources to make their next film and break into the mainstream.
Not a documentary by any means, Britney Baby, One More Time is supposedly based on the true story of a young man who won a Britney Spears look-alike contest. Independent film maker Dude Schmitz (Borchardt, who apparently can’t remember if his name is Schmidt or Schmitz throughout the film) fails to get an interview with the real Britney Spears and lures the look-alike across country with the promise of meeting the real pop star. What ensues is nothing short of cinematic crap, including bad acting, bad editing, and eerily homoerotic behavior.
Hilden: Hey, we can’t be too hasty here. It’s got he cinematic genius of Mark Bochardt and Mike Shank in this film. Hey, the American Movie duo could make this movie rise above the stain of having Britney Spears as a plot point. I didn’t think the production values were all that bad.
And the chick wasn’t that bad looking either.
John: Dude…that “chick” was a guy.
Hilden: Oh… shit… This is embarrassing. …Does that mean I’m gay?
John: That alone doesn’t. Add that to your stack of Cher albums and I think then we may have something.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.
Hilden’s sexual tendencies aside, the only redeeming quality of this movie was the deadpan delivery by Mike Schank. Of course this could be less intentional and more due to the fact that he’s got fewer brain cells left than Hilden has chances of leaving the set of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy with his ass clean.
Hilden: Wow, that hurt. Not me, on the set of …oh, nevermind. I will give you the fact that Mike Schank was the star of this film. What was with the scene of him looking into the fish tank and talking to them? That was good stuff.
In all seriousness, how good can a movie be that tries to make fun of the whole Britney thing and at the same time tries to take itself seriously?
Answer: Not good. And the only way one could suffer through tripe of this magnitude would be a buffer of painless sense deprivation. Speaking of that, we should tell the good readers about our scoring system.
John: As I mentioned above, ours is not your traditional scoring system. Instead of a 1-5 star rating, what we tell you is how many shots it would take to make this movie tolerable. The higher the score, the worse the movie is. You can rest assured that we test our scoring system on every movie we watch.
John’s Score: 6 Shots Hilden’s Score: 5 Shots
John: (Don’t forget the one in the ass, Hilden.)
Hilden: Fuck off!
The Real GamingWorld X
This week on The Real GWX, we finish off last week’s bit with an address by GWX President, Sonny Uppal. You’ll finally be formally introduced to this power-mad dictator in all his infamous glory. Check out the first in many new schemes for the global domination of GamingWorld X.
Goodnight, Ladies and Gentlemen
Well, that puts the wrap on another installment of Drunken Gamers. We hope you’re enjoying this feature and encourage you to write in at DrunkenGamers@gamingworldx.com.
Stay tuned next week when we’ll be bringing you more vomit and hangover-inducing stupidity.
