Please Note: The opinions expressed in this feature are the authors’ own and do not necessarily represent GamingWorld X as a whole. If you are under 21 years of age, please do not drink. If you do drink, please drink responsibly. In other words, don’t do something stupid and blame it on us.
Welcome to the holiday episode of Drunken Gamers. The holiday season is the time for friends, family, gifts, good cheer, and of course, raging alcoholism. Yes, nothing drowns the holiday blues like a fifth of Jack and a handful of the year’s best video games. So with that in mind, we’re here to help you put away that noose and pick up a video game with the first annual Because It’s the Holidays and Your Life Sucks Awards.
These games are sure to make you forget all your failures and shortcomings and convince you that, damn it, if Ryan Seacrest can have his own talk show I can get that promotion to fry cook at the In N’ Out Burger. So sit back, wipe away those tears, and be inspired.
Because That Slut Dumped You: Who needed her anyway? She didn’t even understand how to strategize your beastlords in War Hammer! And how could you show your face Saturday nights at the comic book store with a chick who’d rather be making out?
We present to you, Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball. Who needs lame real world chicks with all their needs and whining when you can have a handful of polygonal maidens at your beck and call? And with those astounding jiggle effects and come hither stares, the only things you’ll need to bring on this date are your gaming skills and a box of Kleenex.
Because I Lost My Job and Burger King Isn’t Hiring: Ok, so you called that customer a dirty whore and spit in her french fries. You just emptied the grease frap and she wanted a super size! She obviously deserved it. Well, don’t sweat it, Trevor. You’ll get back on the horse soon enough. So while you sit in your mom’s basement watching reruns of What’s Happening or hanging out in the food court, why not pick up some Final Fantasy Tactics Advance and learn some real skillz.
There’s no question that earning job points to become a Summoner will come in much handier than mopping up kiddie puke in the playland, and you won’t have to take orders from a pimply-faced nightshift manager.
Because Your Mom Can’t Read the “Do Not Disturb” Sign: Damn it, why can’t a playa get some privacy? How are you supposed to woo the ladies if you don’t get some practice time? Unfortunately, a paper route doesn’t pay for an apartment so you’re stuck looking for other options.
Well, if mom won’t let you practice your “social” skills, try some virtual romance with The Sims. And if you’re unsure about your sexuality, be sure and check out The Sims Rainbow Coalition and turn your virtual confusion into virtual acceptance.
Those chicks look like they know how to party.
Because You’re 75 lbs Overweight: So you got a bit tubby, didn’t ya, Lunchbox? And while you love your mayonnaise, just walking to the fridge to grab another ham sandwich gets you winded. Luckily for you, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time should help you forget about that cheese under your thighs.
With all the jumping, flipping, climbing, and swinging, you’ll have no trouble fooling yourself into thinking you can fit into a smaller pair of sweat pants. Have fun, you deluded tub of lard!
[Ok, that one was just mean.]
And there you have it, four games that should take your holiday misery away. And if that fails, you could always join a cult.
Welcome back to the Drunken Mailbag, your home for advice, answers, and ridicule. If you’ve got something you need to get off your chest, or if you just need to know how to get through the day, we’re here to help. Just send your letters to DrunkenGamers@gamingworldx.com.
This week’s letter comes from Ulie787:
Hey Guys,
This column kicks ass! I laughed so hard at the last one I nearly peed my pants…ok, may be not, but you get the idea.
That’s really all I had to say, but I suppose I should ask a question. I’m in college and you guys said a job is only means to get more games. Unfortunately, I don’t have time for work…well…I do, but when would I play games? My question is how do I get cash to pay for all the kick ass games that have come out in the past few months?
Laters Ulie787
Hilden: One word Ulie. Whores. Put ‘em on the corner and let them do the town. There are always a few lonely Santas out there that need a good time while Mrs. Clause is away. And with the holiday season upon us, jacking up the price for the merchandise is expected. You’ll make a killing.
Hey, you know, if you’re interested in getting a start, John’s mom is available. Here, let me get her number for you…it’s…555…
John: Why do you try to hurt me you motherfucker? It’s the holidays! You know, peace, love, brotherhood and all that crap? Instead, you have to act like a little sack sucker
And with the spirit of the season in mind, I must say your advice to poor Ulie is abhorrent. You’re a disgrace! Instead of sitting on the corner, sipping Pimp Juice, perhaps Ulie should donate some blood for the needy at his local blood bank. He’ll earn some money for his video games and help the less fortunate at the same time.
Rather than using your gutter humor, perhaps you should be a little more responsible when doling out advice. Pervert.
Hilden: No man. No. Screw that. Whores, man. Whores.
In fact, I think you might be onto something with that Pimp Juice. I hear that you can inspire 50% extra production out of your harem with that stuff. Better than the hanger.
It’s got, like, special additives that help give some seasonal cheer. And some addictive properties that let you get a little extra grip on the help, if you know what I mean. No sense them getting all emotional over the holidays. Might inspire them to leave daddy and find legitimate work. No man, gotta keep the elves working for Santa. It’s Christmas Time!
Have Santa put some Pimp Juice in your stocking. It’ll do wonders for you.
John: I’m disgusted. Now you’ve resorted to hawking a product created by Nelly? I’m beginning to wonder if the whore you’re referring to is you. Ulie, take it from me, this testosterone-filled gangsta-wannabe rant is simply Hilden making up for his various shortcomings. I mean, no scrawny white dork from the suburbs could spout out all this thug, pimp and ho talk and be taken seriously, could he?
I stand corrected.
What good are drinks and video games if you can’t mix the two together? With the holiday season upon us, this week’s Drinking Game Game is less of a game and more of a recipe to get you through those ugly family gatherings. When Uncle Dale gives you an uncomfortable wink before passing out with his hand in his pants and Grandma accuses your mom of stealing her pumpkin pie recipe, this concoction should smooth things right over.
Nothing stops the madness quicker than a shot, but you can’t just go around reeking of booze, can you? Well, of course you could, but that would bring you down to Uncle Dale’s level. We’re here to help with a special little recipe that will knock you on your ass. And because it smells like a little slice of Christmas, only you and Santa will be the wiser.
Here’s what you need:
1 bottle of Vodka 1 bottle of Kahlua 1 bottle of Goldschlager
Grab your favorite shot glass and mix – in this order – one part vodka, one part kahlua, topped off with the Goldschlager. Grab a lighter and hold the flame over the shot until the Goldschlager starts a small flame. This is what we call the “Pumpkin Pie Shot”. It tastes and smells like mom’s (or grandma’s) pumpkin pie, and because it’s on fire, it’ll keep you warm on that cold Christmas night.
If you really need a game to go along with this one, try drinking every time there’s an uncomfortable moment in the room. That should have you right pissed by dinnertime.
Christmas Memories
Because both of us will be with family during the holidays, we decided to exchange gifts a few days early. A Drunken Gamers get-together is always a scene, and this year’s festivities were no different. Luckily, we captured some highlights on film. Sit back and enjoy these frosty-coated Christmas memories, Drunken Gamers style.
Imagine Hilden’s joy when he opened his package to find a 1.75 of Captain Morgan. Now imagine his disgust when he discovers that the bottle’s almost empty. Doh!
Revenge is bittersweet. Hilden exacts revenge for his lousy gift by giving John a picture of his sister…getting her stocking stuffed by Hilden! Now that’s the gift that keeps on giving all year ‘round!
It appears that even a nearly empty bottle of Captain Morgan is still too much for Hilden. The lightweight is shown here in an all too familiar scene. Hug that bowl, Red Menace!
The holidays wouldn’t be complete without snow angels, snowmen, and writing one’s name in the snow bank with urine. Look at that remarkable penmanship!
At the end of the day, it’s all about good times, good friends, and a whole lot of good sauce. Happy Holidays!
The Real GamingWorld X
We all love to sit around and watch the Charlie Brown, Rudolph, and Frosty the Snowman Christmas specials. This week, we present to you a heartwarming special, in the grand tradition of these family favorites.
Goodnight, Ladies and Gentlemen
Our eggnog is getting warm and we’re ready to pass out. We hope you’ve enjoyed our special holiday edition of Drunken Gamers. Tune in next week for our sweet holiday hangover and New Years edition.
