Please Note: The opinions expressed in this feature are the authors’ own and do not necessarily represent GamingWorld X as a whole. If you are under 21 years of age, please do not drink. If you do drink, please drink responsibly. In other words, don’t do something stupid and blame it on us.
After a brief hiatus from our usual drunken debauchery, we’re back with a vengeance, only without the Bruce Willis hairline. So where have we been and why haven’t we been drunk? Well, when not taking care of the GWX Awards and both of our 2004Preview features, the drunks took a trip down to Houston for the granddaddy of all spectacles: the Super Bowl.
Yes, we were on hand for the event and due to the tight security, Hilden had to rip off his Grandmother’s colostomy bag so we could smuggle the booze in. ’Twas a bit nutty. Unfortunately, this meant that John got so pissed up that he buddied up with the streaker and found his way on stage during the half time show..
Luckily, people mistook John as one of Janet’s washed up brothers looking for a handout. Security made like Joe Jackson and beat the snot out of him while telling him to “dance sucka!” So after bailing John out of jail and convincing LaToya that he didn’t have any money, we’re back and ready to serve up the most intellectual satire this side of the UPN network.
Let’s drink!
This week’s letter comes from Tony, who wants to know when we’re going to be “funny” again.
Hey Fuckers,
So you’re one of the few sites I visit on a regular basis because of drunken gamers, mainly. The past two weeks haven’t been funny at all! In fact, by my calculations 37.5% of all drunken gamers episodes have been NOT FUNNY! Did you guys go to AA or something?
Tony
John: 37.5%, Tony? It sounds like you’re the one who needs a damn drink! I mean, what kind of loser sits and comes up with those kinds of stats? Tony, do you even know what a woman smells like?
Hilden: Dude, you figured out a percentage based on humor? What’s next, a pie chart? A bar graph? Good lord, you have no sense of humor at all, do you?
Let’s just say that even the drunks have to get some work done and with all the wonderful content you’ve been receiving these past few weeks, you can just shut your mouth now. And EVERYONE who’s cool knows that the drink always taste better after a hard days work.
John: What are you saying, Lady H? Doing Drunken Gamers isn’t hard work? Obviously you don’t know how hard I have to work to keep you off my dog after you’ve had a couple champagne coolies.
Hilden: Ok, listen you ass, I’m busy ripping the crap out of this punk kid. I don’t have time for you. And what the hell is a champagne coolie? Is that what they drink in the ‘burbs now?
“Hey my fellow suburban swingers, let’s toss the keys in the bowl! I’ve got champagne coolies and they match my wallpaper.”
John: Champagne coolies are what they drink at the “Don’t Ask-Don’t Tell” night at your weekly meetings with the Young Republicans, b.i.c.h.!
For this week’s movie, we’re taking a look into the Drunken Gamers DVD catalog and pulling out the Cohen Brothers’ classic – and ultimate drinking movie - The Big Lebowski.
The Big Lebowski tells the story of The Dude, an unemployed slacker from the hippie generation who gets tangled up in kidnapping, pornography, and excessive drug use. And all the dude ever wanted was his rug back. We’ve seen this film so many times we can recite the dialogue line for line. In honor of this greatest of all drinking movies, we bring to you a simple, but quite effective drinking game.
The Dude’s drink of choice is the White Russian, so naturally, the White Russian is what you’ll need to mix for this game. Here’s what you need:
1 Part Kahlua 1 Part Vodka Top off with Half and Half or Milk Garnish with 2 Filbert Nuts and Stir
The rules of The Big Lebowski Game are simple. You see, while The Big Lebowski is a laugh a minute, it’s also an F’nheimer a second. Yes, The Dude and his sidekick Walter (played by John Goodman) spout more blue-colored F words than Hilden’s mom on the latest episode of Cops. To play the “game”, simply take a drink from your luscious White Russian every time Walter or the Dude says the word “F**K!”
We guarantee you’ll be lit within the first fifteen minutes.
Welcome back to Drunken Debate. Every good bar has a good drunken brawl and we’re no different. This week’s topic comes from Adam, who asks, “Which is better: American Beer or Bottled Water?”
Round One, Fight!
John: I say, what the hell is the difference, other than the carbonation? You little shits sitting out in the field sucking down Miller Light from a can, pretending you’re drunk, and pissing out the back of your mom’s Subaru station wagon are just fooling yourselves.
Hilden: I’d agree that they’re the same thing as well, but I’ve gotta say that between the two, it’s American beer all the way. I know we’re comparing two sides of the same craptastic coin, but I’ll take Miller Light over that Evian junk any day.
With John living in suburbia now, however, he has to swear off of the beer and join the cult of bottled water drinking yuppie bastards. You know the type: carrying around their little bottles or Nalgene containers. Filled with the purest of pure spring water. Comparing the taste of one over the other and ignoring the fact that they all paid over two dollars a bottle.
If I’m going to pay two bucks a bottle, I better be slobbering and putting my hands in inappropriate places on John’s sister. Word.
John: See, now what in the hell did I do to deserve that? Don’t make me show you my balls!
Hilden: What did you do? You’re moving from the city, full of culture, art and goings on and dragging yourself out to the ‘burbs. You’re about to become king of the strip malls. You’re going to start drinking at Champp’s bar and grill, and Applebee’s will become date night.
And we all know you have no balls, you surrendered those to your wife when she said, “We’re moving out the suburbs so I can suck the life and soul out of you” and you said “Yes, dear.”
John: That hurts, man. That really hurts. Yes, I’m moving from the city, full of neighbors who burn their houses down, sell crack in my backyard, and bust into your car, to a quiet home less than fifteen minutes away. But I’m still going to talk my new neighbors into busting into your car, you mommy-milking whore!
Winner: For making John cry, Hilden gets the nod this week.
John: And I have balls, dammit!
The Real GWX
You may remember Episode 2 of The Real GWX in which Sonny declared his plan for global website domination. This week, Sonny’s wardrobe malfunction may finally come to an end. Enjoy!
Goodnight, Ladies and Gentlemen!
So there it is. We’re back, we’re loaded, and we’re ready for the showers. Tune in again next week when we’ll have more intoxicated idiocy for your untertainment.
