Drunken Gamers: Episode V

Please Note: The opinions expressed in this feature are the authors’ own and do not necessarily represent GamingWorld X as a whole. If you are under 21 years of age, please do not drink. If you do drink, please drink responsibly. In other words, don’t do something stupid and blame it on us.

Well, well, well. You’re back for another week of abuse, are you? Luckily for you, we’re all hopped up on a healthy dose of Wild Turkey, and nothing turns us into angry drunks like the Wild Turkey. The holiday hangover has left us bitter and mean-spirited and this week, we’ll try to get an article written in between swung punches and bloody lips. We’ll take a moment to answer your questions, John will freak us out with his Bonk obsession, and we’ll introduce you to our resident crabby Canuck, Rod Oracheski. Want to see a mean drunk? This guy puts us all to shame.

Cozy up to the bar. Game on!

Alright, we’ve fucking had it with you people. We sit idly by our computers, waiting for our inbox to light up, and we get idiotic questions like these. Stacey writes:

Hi…

Is it possible to transfer a file from one memory card to another?

Thanks…

Stacey

Listen, we don’t ask much. In fact, all we ask is a decent question. Stacey, go home and tell your parents to try again.

We’re so disgusted by this question that we’re not even going to give you the honor of a sarcastic response. Instead, we’ll force you to look at this picture of a fat fucking cat crushing a defenseless little girl. Maybe that’ll be you someday.

And now that Stacey’s finished wasting our damn time, we move onto the Drunken Debate.

In this episode of the Drunken Debate, we take on the issue of Online Gaming Vs. Same Room Multiplayer Gaming. Xbox Live is fun and all, but does it really compare to having an in room trash-talking session with a few buddies?

Hilden: You know, I love the headset and the whole Xbox Live experience as much as the next lush, but there simply is no comparison to playing in the same room with your friends.

Do I like the adrenaline rush of having your foe in the same room? Or having that thrill of victory when my opponent’s body language gives away his next move? No. I couldn’t give a crap about all that. Hell, the most body language my gaming cohorts manage to give off is raising their fists in victory at the size of the alcohol induced shit they’re about to take.

No, I like same-space gaming for the sheer fun of the personal, face to face insults that take place. Something just makes a kill in Goldeneye better when you can physically go over to the person and tell them they camp out like a scared little girl. Or being able to join the room full of gamers and really ridicule the guy who manages to shoot his teammates in the back of the head in Rainbow Six 3.

***Cough, cough*** …JOHN!

John: Listen, in the spirit of the theme of this episode, I’m going to forego any attempt to stay on topic with this debate and instead go straight for the jugular. Do I want to sit in the same room and have to smell the Gold Bond stench coming from Hilden’s crotch? Would you? Absolutely not. Furthermore, the guy just creeps me out with his turrets-like randomness. I don’t know what, “Take it from behind like my mommy” or “You’re hairy; like my cat’s ass used to be” means and I don’t want to find out.

The more distance I can put that demented freak and myself the better. Online gaming all the way.

Hilden: Alright you ass. Truth is, I lied. It’s not for the face to face insults that I like to same room game. It’s to smell the hot sex of your sister on your couch. It keeps reminding me of the last time we were on that couch together and the “Take it from behind” line was simply a flashback inspired by the sweet yet saucy aroma of her nether regions.

But let’s face it. The days of gaming in John’s basement are soon to be over as he moves his ass out to the suburbs. Then no one’s going to want to hang out in the same room with that guy with this “I just mowed my lawn diagonally” or “check out my new Craftsman tool set” and “Christine won’t let me come out and play, I’ve got to clean the gutters”.

John: I’m not even going to try to combat that one. You readers have no idea what I put up with on a daily basis. He’s putting on a good façade for you right now and I don’t blame you for buying into it. But then again you’re not the one he’s slyly staring at with a menacing look and a lubed up broom handle in his hand.

You win, ok? You win! Just keep that thing away from me!

Hilden: That’s right bitch. Who’s your daddy? Because of your sad fear of all things anal and your newfound status as a stripmall citizen, I declare myself the WINNER!

John: Psycho…



Well, as we lick our wounds from that heated confrontation of geek proportions, we’ll move on to our latest Glassy Eyed Review of the Hudson classic platformer, Bonk’s Adventure!

Those of you cool enough to know what the PC Engine is can go ahead and raise your glass as we toast one of the world’s greatest gaming mascots. Those of you too stupid to remember the Turbografx-16 need to drink two shots for stupidity. No puke bucket for you!

Bonk’s Adventure stands as one of mighty mascots of the early nineties console wars and takes his rightful place among such classic stars as Mario and Sonic the Hedgehog. We admit that it’s been a while since Bonk got some attention from our gaming time but thanks to a recent import form Hudson we get an all new rendition of our favorite hard headed caveman.

John: This remake of the greatest game of all time is now the new greatest game of all time. There is no better game. None. Nothing.

Hilden: Damn it, John! Try and put some effort into this. How about the fact that Bonk has a whole new modern look with well-done cell shaded graphics? That the look isn’t cheesy and overdone like some of the other remakes that are out now? How about the effects, and the enemy designs and how they still stand out as genius? Or the level designs and how they really have gotten a nice make over and help add to the interest of the world?

Anything? Anything at all?

John: That’s all well and good. But it means nothing when one considers this:

I was thirteen years old. I had a girlfriend who was infatuated with New Kids on the Block and Kirk Cameron. I recall sitting by the railroad tracks trying to get said girlfriend to go to second base, but all she could do was talk about the most recent episode of Full House and how dreamy Uncle Joey was. All of a sudden, I blacked out. A vision came to me. Through the light I could see a figure with a shiny head that I assumed to belong to either Tele Savalis or Sinead O’Connor. The figure explained to me that in order to fulfill my adolescent desires, I must eat a lot of red meat and take what I want. Upon waking, I took to a new lifestyle. My head was shaved, I ate raw turkey drumsticks with my bare hands, and I regularly took to head-butting my teeny-bopper girlfriend until she admitted that Joey McIntire was a pussy and Faith No More was the second coming of rock n’ roll.

Hilden, you can have your fancy graphical updates and your aurally pleasing sound effects, but until you accept Bonk as the messiah, the one true lord and savior, you’re just walking in the dark with your crank in your hand.

Hilden: Ok dude, you’re starting to sound like a Green Bay Packer fan telling me that God ordained them to win the playoffs.

Crank in your hand comment not withstanding, I’m not in any hurry to proclaim Bonk as my own personal pixilated Jesus. I will, however say that this game is one of the weirdest and most interesting games to come out in some time. The fact that by eating meat, you turn into some evolved, fire breathing cave creature is weird enough. The fact that by wildly spinning around, the sheer weight of your head causes you to fly into the air is amusing and slightly strange. The enemies that you encounter boarder on crack dream sketches by my own psychotic high school girlfriend. The eating of meat is slightly homoerotic and disconcerting. All of that taken separately makes a person wonder what they’ve gotten themselves into. Yet the whole is more than the sum of its parts and Bonk’s Adventure is testament to that.

With some of the best gameplay on the Turbo system, Bonk manages to stand the test of time by taking what it does best and simply making it look better on the next gen systems. Sonic could take a cue from the folks at Hudson on how to make an old character look good again.

Messiah? Not so much. Great game? Without a doubt.

John: All praise Bonk. Bonk is our leader. Hail the new Messiah!

The Real GWX

Over the next few weeks, we’re going to introduce you to the various GWX staff members. This week, we present to you the crabbiest Canuck to ever power up a console, Rod Oracheski. Being a dutiful Canadian, Rod’s passions are hockey, fried ham, and spouting more obscenities than an off-duty member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

We hope you enjoy this week’s episode, “Rod Goes to Lunch”.