Please Note: The opinions expressed in this feature are the authors’ own and do not necessarily represent GamingWorld X as a whole. If you are under 21 years of age, please do not drink. If you do drink, please drink responsibly. In other words, don’t do something stupid and blame it on us.
Warmer and fuzzier than a moogle with a belly full of round corn, the drunks are back ready to bust a focus attack on your funny bones.
Wait…what?
We’re sorry. It seems that Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles has consumed out lives. As the hours drag into days, we’re slowly convincing ourselves that John is a Clavat with a cowlick and Hilden is a one horned Yuke. And since there truly is no geek that compares to the Final Fantasy geek (don’t feel left out, Warhammer geeks, you’re a close second), we’ve decided to dedicate this week’s feature to the legions of lonely, pasty-skinned chowders that sat in the darkness for hours upon hours mourning the death of Aeris. You know who you are. You’re the ones with the screen name “MoogleDude69” or “HotPantsCloudFF7”. And when your mother says, “Keith! It’s time for dinner!” you say, “Dammit mom, my name’s Sephiroth! Call me Sephiroth!”
So Final Fantasy geek, this one’s for you. Let the Drunken Caravan begin!
This week’s letter conveniently fits the theme of the day. Jordan seems a bit worked up:
Help me please!
Hello. Where do chochobos originate from?
Jordan
John: Jordan, my friend, you’ve come to the right place. Chocobos are giant chicken-like creatures used in Final Fantasy games the same way we use horses in real life. Yes, giant chickens used for racing and transportation. You can breed Chocobos or they can be caught by using Chocobo Lures.
Ah yes, some days I sit back and dream about breeding a Chocobo of my own to ride across country, allowing me to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life. I think it would look a little something like this:
Hilden: “The hustle and bustle of city life”? You’re moving out to the suburbs, you pussy! The only hustle and bustle you’ll experience is fighting the stampede of mini vans headed to the neighborhood Home Depot for “date night”.
If you had a chocobo, it would most likely live in fear of you drowning your suburban loneliness in alcohol and performing some twisted sex act upon it. I think it would look a little more like this:
John: Why does the conversation always turn to this, huh? I do nothing to provoke this sort of hostility, yet you attack me like a defenseless child. I reach out my olive branch and you slap it away with hostility and images of some sort of twisted chicken bestiality. You’re a mean drunk, man. To the back of the wagon for you!
Hilden: Hey, I have intimacy issues. This is how it works, you chicken fucker. Anyone who feels the need to ride poultry is one twisted idiot. You know as well as I do that chickens would be uncomfortable to ride. Kinda like your sister…ah, never mind. Too easy.
John: Yeah, that’s right, bitch. Leave it at that and let’s move on.
Drinking Game Games
Our favorite segment of Drunken Gamers is the drinking game game. After all, isn’t this what ties the whole thing together? Alcohol and video games mix like Final Fantasy lead characters and androgyny. And what better way to come to terms with your confused attraction to Cloud Strife or feel at home in the homo-erotic world of Spira than getting all liquored up and drowning your apprehension? Come on, baby. That sword is big for a reason.
Was that over the line?
Probably.
Finally, Square has found a way to get all you hollow-eyed RPG fanatics together in one room to embark on a quest. And while the Final Fantasy faithful aren’t generally known for their ability to mingle in a group of people, we’ve concocted a beverage that should help you appreciate a body odor other than your own. We present to you the Crystal Caravan Cocktail!
First, grab yourself a nice carafe or well-used jug; something with a lot of character. If you still have your canteen from that brief and misguided stint in the Boy Scouts, that would be perfect. You’re on a caravan, after all. You’ll need the following ingredients:
2 Cups Malibu Coconut Rum ½ Cup Midori Melon Liqueur 1 ½ Cup Pineapple Juice 1 ½ Cup Cranberry Juice
Mix all of the ingredients together in your flask and chill in the fridge. What you have is a candy-tasting cocktail that is sure to break the ice with your new friends.
The game is simple. Each time one of your caravan members has to be healed or brought back to life, they must take a healthy chug of the Crystal Caravan Cocktail. Think of it as some sort of magical serum or life potion. You can even come up with some sort of pagan ritualistic ceremony. Whatever geek shit you have to come up with to make yourselves feel more comfortable.
Good luck, adventurers!
For this edition of the “I Love You, Man!”, Hilden’s going to give a little love to that crazy recurring Final Fantasy character, Cid! Let the drunken geek love-fest begin.
Hilden: Cid, man. You’ve been there since the beginning! From that time in my mom’s basement with the can of Mountain Dew to that time in my living room with…uh…that can of Mountain Dew.
There was one time when I thought I could be good with my hands and fly an airplane and…well…I ended up pissing off my ex-girlfriend’s porch while yelling, “I love you, you dirty beotch!” When the cops came I told them I did it for you. “I’m doing it for Cid, dammit!” But they wouldn’t listen. They just slapped a restraining order on me.
The more I think about it, you kind of look different every time I see you. I don’t even really know who you are anymore. You’re a damn phony! A goldbricker. You ain’t the man. You ain’t…
I didn’t mean that, baby. I’m sorry. I just…I just get so angry sometimes.
Cid, I love you, man.!
The Real GWX
We know The Real GWX is the real reason you read Drunken Gamers, so let’s just get on with it, shall we? This week’s episode finds our own little fascist dictator Sonny Uppal trying his hand at gaming journalism. Some time ago it was decided that Sonny should handle more “administrative” duties and leave the writing to the writers. Of course, his idiotic phrases and “suggestions” still find their way of sneaking into our articles from time to time, but I think you’d agree that we made the best decision.
Goodnight, Ladies and Gentlemen!
We hope you enjoyed journeying through our epic quest of drunkenness and idiocy. We’re going to have ourselves a couple of Phoenix Downs and take a little nap. Please note that Drunken Gamers will be taking the next two weeks off as John finally moves out into the suburbs. Will life ever be the same? Will we ever get drunk again? Or will John’s life consist of nothing other than landscaping, wallpaper, and heading up the neighborhood watch? Tune in two weeks from now to find out.
