Disclaimer: The views of these two clowns do not necessarily represent the views of GamingWorld X as a whole. Drinking is illegal for those under the age of 21, so if you’re under 21, don’t drink. And if you do drink, don’t be an idiot and blame GamingWorld X.
Welcome to the first in a series of new X-Clusives in which Contributing Editor Aaron Hilden and GWX Managing Editor John Luedtke will be sitting down with a handful of games, a handful of booze, and more than a handful of insults. The games selected are pretty much anything they happen to find lying around, old or new, and the beverages of choice are Captain Morgain, Leinie’s Original, Bass Ale (because Hilden enjoys diarrhea), and more Captain Morgan.
This week, we’ll be revisiting Sega’s Phantasy Star Online for the Xbox, Konami’s brutally difficult shooter Contra: Shattered Soldier, and NEC’s reentry into the U.S. gaming scene, Tube Slider.
Phanstasy Star Online for Xbox is the third incarnation of nearly same game in as many years. The gameplay is old, the graphics are old, and the idea is old. However, there’s something that brings the hardcore flocking back to Ragol like idiots to an Avril Lavigne concert. Can we figure out what the hell is so great about a game so seemingly archaic? Not likely.
John: I don’t know, man. A few months later, I’ve learned a new principle and that principle is that everything loses its charm after a while. Well, other than seeing Hilden’s mom naked, of course. But charity cases aside, I play through these dungeons now, blasting drone after drone, and it just doesn’t have the same appeal that it once had. Plus, the supposedly “huge advantage” the Xbox had over the GameCube version (voice chat) is getting less and less appealing every day. God I hate idiots. Speaking of, Hilden, it’s your turn.
Aaron: You know, I’m as big a fan of this game as I am of John’s hot sister. There’s just nothing like banging around inside familiar spaces. But like all things that get used up, made over and sold for profit, you can’t help but get hung up on all the annoying things that take away from the afterglow. Okay enough about John’s sister.
The one thing in PSO that always has annoyed me is that once you get to a certain period in the life of the game, the morons take over. For instance, all those lame ass level 150 gamers that simply pop in and out of the game to try and sell you some MAG for 3,000 Meseta. For crying out loud! I’m trying to PLAY the game, not participate in a cheap ass version of eBay for the 13 year old uber-geeks.
I’ll admit that voice chat WAS a nice feature. Now, all I get is a bunch of stupid freaks who walk into my game, yell in my earpiece and DEMAND that I throw up a telepipe so they can come down and try and sell me some sad ass piece of merchandise. Screw you people. I get enough of you stupid idiots in the real world, I don’t need you in the online arena.
There is not enough Captain Morgan in the world, let alone my glass to make this game tolerable these days. But it IS starting to make John’s family album look better and better. Where’s my little black book…
John: Listen you bastard, taking shots at your mom is one thing. We’ve all had a shot at her. But my sister? That’s where I draw the line.
The idiot factor plays hugely into any online game; especially when you’re playing with Sonny. “Heal me, heal me, you bastards!” To play it safe, it’s always best to find a group of people that are cool to play with and keep them on your friends list. Of course all my friends are too cheap to fork out the $9/month so they just mooch off my account. Hmm…whom could I be talking about?
Anyway, the game has just become far too tedious for me to deal with all the online idiots and repetitive gameplay. I never thought I’d be saying that about my beloved PSO, but then again, I never thought I’d have to listen to these specimens either.
By the way, jackass, I pissed in your drink. That’s for my sister!
Aaron: I agree, I never thought I’d be saying this about PSO but it just goes to show that even a good game can get old with no major innovation to give it new life. Voice chat is cool, but not a major gameplay addition to keep me interested.
If it would have some great puzzles or awesome gamplay to keep me going, I might not notice the idiots barking at me. But right now, the game is too derivative and all my attention is focused on the morons I have to play with online. Of course there is ONE equation we have to consider, which colleges the world over have known since the Dreamcast: PSO+Captain Morgan(6)=Mindless Fun.
That my friends, will be PSO’s lasting contribution to gaming.
Oh, and John, we BOTH know Christine wouldn’t let you piss in any glass in this house. You’d just end up sleeping in the minivan. Nice try.
Contra: Shattered Soldier is the game that Contra fans were waiting for. After the abysmal PSone titles, Konami brought the game back to its roots. It’s hard as hell, simply gorgeous, and mastering the game is a Zen-like experience. We thought this one would be a good title to play while sucking a few beers and ridiculing one another for our lack of skills. Or skillz. Or whatever inner city phrase you suburban punks have ripped off.
John: F**K yeah! This game will never grow old to me. Sure, it’s missing the famous Konami Code (Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, (Select), Start), but in a way that should appeal to Hilden’s sadomasochism, the constant abuse will keep you coming back for more.
Also missing is the spread gun (insert Hilden’s mother joke here), and other classic Contra staples, but what is left is a highly refined and intelligent shooter that’ll have you sissy-boys reaching for your Action Replay. Or suckling at a nipple. Speaking of which: Hilden?
Aaron: All this tough talk from the man who was crying in frustration because he had to “learn” how to revert in Tony Hawk 4. For those of you, like Lady Luedtke here, who want your gameplay spoon fed to you this is one game to sit out on. This is for hard core gamers only, which, unless you’re talking about porn, leaves John out.
Much like the other PS2 ass kicking game, Shinobi, it’s all about simple gameplay that must be executed flawlessly. Not something you’re really going to accomplish with a beer in your hand. But then again, it does make the endless dying easier to take. It doesn’t make John’s endless frustrated weeping any easier to take, however.
Dude, just put in Sly Cooper and let it play for you. You’ll feel better in a minute.
John: Oh, so that’s how you want to play, eh? For the record, my only gripe with THPS4 was that I hadn’t played the previous installment, therefore had no idea what a revert was, let alone how to do the damn thing. The game could have used a tutorial for newbies like myself. Ass.
Damn it. Now I’ve lost my focus. Did you guys know that Hilden pees sitting down?
I don’t think anything more needs to be said. Contra is a great damn game and really weeds out the men from the sissy pants, my balls are in the purse of my fiancée, wannabe hardcore gamers. Nuff Said.
Tube Slider marks the return of John’s favorite publisher, NEC, to the U.S. gaming scene. The makers of Bonk’s Adventure, and numerous other Turbografx-16 classics, NEC’s return brings a tear to nearly all of the GWX staff. So does Tube Slider make it a triumphant return, or a total letdown? Even more importantly, is the game fun to play while packing a buzz?
John: Um. The answer to that last question is no. Sure, the game is merely satisfactory, but there’s really nothing worth pissing yourself over. And that’s bad news for Hilden, as now he’ll need to find a different excuse for his soiled panties.
As acceptable as this game was upon its release, having played F-Zero at E3 only makes it nearly intolerable. There’s just such a lack of variety and lack of speed that these games require. Not only that, but it’s nearly impossible to find a groove in the tracks.
Oh, and I will forgo associating the name of the game with Hilden’s mom, as such a joke would simply be too easy.
Aaron: In response to Johns’ discretion, I will refrain from making the obvious comparison of the words “easy” and “John’s Sister”.
You know, meeting Tube Slider for the first time reminds me a lot of meeting Lady Luedtke. At first it’s all flashy and looks like something you might want to spend some time with. Then you actually do spend some time with it and find that it’s a simple minded, sadly overdone, shallow experience that is topped by nearly every game in the genre.
I think I went too far on that one. John’s huddled in a corner cuddling his dog and repeating “You love me.” over and over.
In all seriousness, this game was cool at first until you break out all the old F-Zero games in your collection. Heck, even Star Wars Pod Racer managed to give a getter thrill ride than this game. Where are the useful weapons? Where is the sense of speed? Where the hell are the courses supposed to go? Why the hell are they tubes if you can’t use them and their physics to your advantage? Why the hell is my glass empty?
It’s questions like these, along with the unsolvable “What’s John’s true gender?” that make this game one that will serve only as a coaster for my drink.
John: What’s my true gender? This coming from a “man” whose Disney movie collection is rivaled only by that of “his” Cher import records.
Tube Slider, while a decent game, is a bit of a disappointment, knowing that the folks at NEC are capable of publishing so much more than a mediocre racer whose tracks take longer to finish than it does for Hilden to figure out which side is up on his penis pump.
Whoo…constructing that sentence took a lot out of me. Hilden, call your mom. Her “services” are required.
Aaron:John’s pretty proud of himself for that last bit. And as always, our lady friend has run out of lucid points so it’s up to me to pick up from where I just left off.
I don’t think the tracks are long, they’re just boring as all heck. Why would you want to finish a track that has nothing worthwhile at any point in it? This game feels like a first round entry into the gaming scene. From NEC, that’s just disappointing as they have all the experience in the world to make something good happen.
It’s a lot like John here, who according to Christine, hasn’t made anything “good happen” in quite awhile if you know what I mean.
Thus ends the first round of Drunken Gamers. Their faces are bloody, their thumbs are sore, and at least one of them will be filling a puke bucket in the next five minutes. Stay tuned until next time, when Aaron and John will take on another batch of games, and each other, with devastating results.
