Lesson 1: Getting Started So you’ve found a potential “ho.” Great! Whether she’s a random stranger, a girl from school, or your sister, this guide is built for the exact purpose of helping you score. We did weeks of research, even asking many actual girls (“girls” may or may not actually mean Miyuru, staff member at GWX) for the inside scoop on just what to say to them. We focused on one type of communication- instant messaging. We figured, since this is a video game site, most of our readers would be able to relate. So, without further ado, here are some snazzy “opening lines” to get you started:
• “Hey, I’m 6’6”. In the pants.” • “Hey, I’m a model. My name? It’s, uh… Master Chief. Sexy, no?” • “Hello sexy, asl? 12/m/NY and horny here…” • “Hey baby, I’m a level 42 Elf. Wanna cyber?” • “Hi! I swear I’m not a stalker.” • “Some guys had a list going of all the hottest girls’ screen names, and after I got rejected by all of them, I decided to talk to you!” • “Hey baby, guess who’s running Linux?” • “Hey. (Wait for her to say ‘who the hell is this?’) I knew you were going to say that.” • “Whew, I’m tired from playing volleyball… Okay, Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball… Okay, I just looked at the box. Naked. I’m so lonely…” • “I’ve been reading your profile for a few weeks now, and I just wanted to say hey.” • “Princess Zelda turns me on. Can you?”
Done? Good, you’re surely off to a beautiful start. Now that you’ve got the babe’s utmost attention, it’s smooth sailing from here on out. Provided, of course, that you continue to follow this guide, or else you’re on your own, buddy. Let’s move on.
Lesson 2: “Chattin’” It’s not uncommon to get caught in the dreaded “Hey. Hey. (Hours of silence)” rut. Don’t let it happen to you! Luckily for you, the pitiful reader, I, the enviable chick-magnet, have done my research. And I have found many excellent topics to bring up that won’t make you out to be an ass. Break out of that rut easily with one of these “surefire winners.” Topics to discuss:
• Bodily functions (and/or why yours are messed up royally). • Video game nudity: is it okay if it gets you hard? • Trash talk her puny Super Nintendo System. • Tell her how hot some other girl is. She’ll be in awe of your daring. • Makeup (that she needs to wear less or put on much, much more). • Tell her you made her a valentine in Mario Paint-- she can come over if she wants to see it, *wink wink*. • The newest Norwegian Death Metal album that you’ve been pumping in your pimped-out ’87 Hyundai. • GamingWorldX (Girls, our research uncovered, get hot over a nice, competitive game of Mortal Kombat). • Bring up a nerd from school. Say you “beat his ass.” (Chicks dig assholes.) • Your hard drive size. (We all know that it’s the real guideline that chicks use to determine how big your Johnson is.) • The latest, greatest porn site you “discovered.” (Who knows, she might say she’d like to watch it with you!) • One word: “Squenix.” (Girls love sexy words that are derived from a merger between two large gaming companies. I speaks the truth, my brothers’.) • Michael Jackson’s nose.
***If all of these fail (which is highly doubtful), simply “warn” her as many times as humanly possible in one minute. She’ll think it’s “cute!”
***Also, an important thing to remember when talking to a female online is this. It’s something I like to call “Nurp”, or NRP- Never Respond Promptly. One reader wrote me with this saddening news- “She asked me if I loved her, and I quickly said ‘yes.’ How can I remedy the damage I’ve done??” Frankly, he can’t. If I responded to e-mails, I would have told him, “Way to go Ace, you’ve fucked up that situation.” You see, when she asks you an “urgent” or “important” question, what she really wants is for you to blow her off. Friend, that’s not awkward silence you’re hearing- that’s the painful birth murmurs of love.
Lesson 3: Closing the Deal So you’ve discussed the finer points of The Man Show with this dream girl of yours, followed by some nice “awkward” silence. Spectacular. Now that the hook is dug in deep, the time has come to “reel ‘er in!” Here are some key catch phrases that scientists have discovered actually invoke romantic feelings in a woman:
• “If you don’t answer in 2 seconds, you must go out with me.” • “If Mario gets that hot babe Toadstool, there would be no God if I couldn’t have you.” • “I think you’re a really great person, with a nice personality. Want to have sex?” (Ha ha ha, just kidding-- don’t say that first sentence.) • “I’m thirty-nine, I have a hairy back, and I haven’t seen woman genitalia since I was born. But I am rich. Very, very rich.” • “I am Voldor, King of the brutish ‘n00bs’! Strip yourself of thy clothes, and let me ‘h4x0r’ your ass!” • “I work for GamingWorldX.com.” • “…I occasionally go to GamingWorldX.com” • “Hey… do you want to check out GamingWorldX.com together?” • “Sonic the Hedgehog loves to eat Chili Dogs. I want to eat you.” • “Tell me your home address. I have a batmobile.” • “Give me your home phone number and I won’t break this window I’m looking at you through. Gotcha!” • (Winking smiley). Repeat. • “Want to make out with me in the Sims Online?” • “I just 0wnz0red s0m3 guyz momz0rz. Can I get a ‘w00t w00t!’?” • “Want to help me overcome my serious porn addiction?” • “I may be a skinny, pale, white guy, but for all you know, I’m not!” • “I even decided that I will forgo tonight’s MegaMan X3 session if you say you’ll have dinner with me.” • “So… what’s your GamerTag?”
There you have it, folks. It’s merely a matter of following the directions. It’s not a big deal if you’ve had lady troubles in the past- it happens to the best of us- but those times are officially over. Simply stick to my handy-dandy guide, and those beautiful, tech-savvy women will be crawling all over your bad self! I’d like to give a shout-out to the staff members who helped me with all the research, with a special dedication to Miyuru, who brought over the keg, and dropped it on his foot, giving us all a good ten-minute chuckle.
