Welcome back to The Spin Gate, where insightful, gaming related comments are just about as common as a smart decision made by Nintendo. If you happened to miss last week, kids were raped, the gaming industry was insulted, and Sonny achieved an orgasm over the site's beautiful relaunch. Like always, keep in mind that I tend to not be very serious. For example, when I said Sonny achieved an orgasm, I really meant he soiled himself while reading Cooking with John naked.
Usually the column will start out with some type of rant or story, preceding the most random and cynical views of the week's news found on the net. This week, it's reality TV.
Reality TV has been done to death, right? Almost every network has jumped aboard and cranked out piss-ass cheap shows that not only require an IQ below 14 to enjoy, but also only take a few kids' milk money to produce. Obviously, the creators and every person involved in the slightest bit of these shows must not have an ounce of self respect.
But why should they get to have all the fun? I'm going to join in.
I'm sure you've all heard of or seen the show "Are You Hot?" where judges tell contestants how hot they are. Just when you thought the idea couldn't get any more lame, I've perfected it to "Are You Hot?: Video Game Character Edition" for your viewing pleasure.
Now let's bring on our very first guest, a very fine lady of Dead or Alive: Extreme Beach Volleyball.
Hot damn, now that's what I'm taking about. Honey, you should come cap off my volcano before it erupts. Guys, can we get a close up?
Oh yeah, perhaps this idea wasn't so bad after all. To improve your score, maybe think about showing off your athleticism by doing some jumping jacks or jumping on a trampoline. In fact, anything bouncy would be great. Overall, it's all very nice. I'd say about an 8/10. Now, let's bring out the next guest, Ms. Samus Aran from the Metroid series.
Come on Samus, doesn't that suit ever come off? Is it some kind of complex chastity suit built by the Chozo to prevent you from getting any STD’s? How am I suppose to judge you, anyway?
Well, let's see..... That metal is pretty shiny. And taking into account that you can kick my ass in the blink of an eye, I'll say you get a 6/10. Let's just have the next guest come out and hope there's more skin showing.
Jesus fucking Christ, I spoke to soon. Mario, do me a favor and pick a more stylish Speedo to wear in your next appearances. How can your outstanding man pecs and washed out flesh tone be accented by such a cheap accessory?
If you're going to wear such garbage, then don't ever take your shirt off again. Your crack showing when you bend your plumber ass down will be quite good enough. Zero out of ten.... get out of my face, man.
Mama mia! I'm not a sexy?
You got that right you sick bastard. Hopefully this next contestant will put some more spring in the slinky.
Oh.... very sexy, peach. I'm cooking a hot burrito in my pants right now. Feel free to take a bite. But Peach, I'm wondering, how you can stand being with Mario? I've never seen a man with a worse taste in Speedos. So, if you decide you want a real man.... but can't find one.... my fly is always open. 9/10. Even a rock would keep me excited now, so bring on the next guest.
What happened to the sexy Link we all used to know and love?! During Ocarina of Time, I remember continuously admiring your thin-cut body while controlling you in some one on one action. Under my influence, you could really showed the hard guy who was boss. Alas, my friends, Link, like many Americans, has fallen victim to childhood obesity. Sorry to burst your bubble Link, but now you're just not that hot. I'll give it to you that the slight midriff exposure is strangely sexy, but you can't work yourself up from a 1/10. Get off the show and go sue McDonalds or something.
New rule: No more guys. My giddy anticipation has already been crushed.
Didn't I just say no more..... wait it's Bill Gates... never mind. And hold on, you're not a video game character.
Bill Gates: Why yes I am. I'm starring in my own new Xbox exclusive! Take a look!
Well, in that case, the only one that finds you sexy is that CD-ROM drive you drop your ball sack into every night. And oddly enough, your game doesn't really change my perception of you.
I've had enough of this nonsense. It's over.
I'd like to apologize if any of the previous material induced mass vomiting. Perhaps there just isn't room on the internet for reality journalism. For those still bending over the toilet, let me assure you that the following "light" coverage of the week's news may cause anger, black outs, or light vomiting, but it will not cause mass vomiting. Maybe. In addition, I've created an award that will be given each week to the news story that is either most ridiculous or surprising. I call it: You got to be fucking kidding me.
Nintendo announced this week that their Gamecube sales were at a massive 754,000 for the month. While being able to deliver a serious "Boo-ya" to Microsoft due to their weaker sales, Nintendo failed to acknowledge that Sony's year-older, technically inferior, and more expensive console is still kicking Nintendo's ass. In an effort to counter this, inside sources suggest Nintendo plans to start a new campaign where the Gamecube will be packaged in the PlayStation 2 boxes. Incidentally, Nintendo executives were found hiding behind a water cooler giggling and playing an unhealthy game of “grab-ass” with their male secretaries.
Eidos officially announced Hitman: Contracts, the third game in the Hitman series, for PlayStation 2, Xbox and PC. Don't fret fellow Gamecube owners, I'm sure that in a year we'll still get the watered down port. Eidos basically came out and said Hitman: Contracts, a.k.a. "Hitman 2 with a different title" will feature the same old gameplay. But they also delivered a major kicker: It's going to be better. I'm pumped.
3D Realms revealed that "Duke Nukem Forever" is delayed again, this time until 2005 at the earliest. The decision prompted the name of the game to be changed to "Duke Nukem Never." Reportedly, the game has been moved from PC and is in development for the successor of the successor of the Xbox, or possibly the successor of that. Take Two Interactive, parent of the game's publisher, told gamers that "We will continue work on 'Duke Nukem Never', but have decided the game will simply never be ready to hit the public." In accordance with that statement, the company's website has officially changed the release date from "To Be Announced" to "Never."
Microsoft revealed this week that they want you. Yes, you. Not just for the obvious sexual reasons, but also to help with the developing for the successor of the Xbox. They assure that this time around the development cycle will include more than just transplanting a computer into a stylish box. Instead, they've decided to make a gaming console.
Lastly, this week in You got to be fucking kidding me: Haiti and Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.
In case you haven't yet heard, the Haitian government and community have started bitching about statements relating to their people in Rockstar's Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Rockstar's reaction to this absolutely pisses me off.
First off, why the hell should they give a damn? Not only are these people a year late in delivering these complains, but since these people took offense in the product Rockstar is censoring it. I take offense in games starring Britney Spears, but I don't whine to make it stop. The ordeal of Rockstar's apology basically starts with, "we're sorry" then continues with, "but we really didn't do anything wrong", and finally ends by a sympathetic, "our bad." Why take this shit? Rockstar knows they have to right to publish what they want. My idea for a letter would have worked out a lot better for them:
Dear fuckers,
We'd like to let you know we've heard the plight of the Haitian community regarding offensive statements in our game Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. We understand that you may think we have something against your people to put such content in our product. This isn't true. We have A LOT against you. What other reason could there possibly be? To create an accurate representation of crime life or appeal to gamers? No, we obviously hate your guts and want you to die. So please do, and take those lame ass complaints with you. We'd also like to inform you that, despite your discontent, the game "Kill All Haitian People Because They Suck and We Hate Them" is still on schedule. In conclusion, we're not sorry. Dip shits.
Sincerely, Rockstar Games. "Offending Haiti one game at a time"
Sometimes I surprise myself. It's much more clear, concise, and to the point than Rockstar's letter. Screw last week's thought on marketing, I need something in media relations as a career.
For some reason, I feel like not enough people wrote in last week. Probably because my inbox is empty. Well, this week I have a specific topic: games that suck. Try to write in about games that everyone loves but you think would be put to better use as a frisbee. In the near future, I plan on including my own wrap-up of the year complete with the revolutionary "anti-awards" where games are awarded based on how much they blow. Why I am doing such a crazy and negative thing? Because the glass is half empty. Fill it up for me and send some good stuff in. Also, make sure to make your way back next week for an equally sarcastic and hopefully less perverted feature. Until then, feel free to send me a present for Christmas. I'm out.
