Welcome to the very first feature of The Spin Gate. It's a brand new concept unseen before by the eyes of man. It's an idea so radical, so prone to rupture the very fabric of space and time, that we at GamingWorld X don't know if this site, the Internet, or even the world is ready for it. I'm going to be discussing games.
Hell yes.
Some have described me as "cynical", "excessively sarcastic", and "a heartless bastard." However, I don't feel those do me justice. Sure, I am those things, but also so much more. Furthermore, I don't think heartless is a good term, because I put my heart into my bastardly acts. As far as gaming goes, I'm quite the enthusiast while sadly being devoid of anything that is or resembles skill. I really suck at all games. Despite that, I still remain calm, cool, and collective toward my superior opponents. Ah, hell, who am I kidding? That isn't true at all. I whine and bitch my ass off. That's my philosophy. Sometimes life just isn't fair, but instead of turning life's lemons into lemonade I just eat my damn lemons and complain to everyone around me.
The Spin Gate is devoted to a casual atmosphere to discuss everything gaming. This includes stories, current news, game releases, impressions, etc. Unfortunately, much to the dismay of many readers, it was planned to be NO actual spinning of a gate in this column. However, since I’m sorry about the confusion, I'll make a one time exception and spin a gate.
I apologize for any misconceptions and urge you to also spin a gate in your spare time. If that's not your fancy, then I encourage you to write in and talk about gaming. Are you blowing at a game? Did you finally achieve something worthwhile? Were you ticked off by a recent news story? Send it all in. If it's good, I'll post it. If not, I might pretend to care anyway.
One thing to keep in mind is that my views are not always extremely serious. If I was to say I enjoy breaking the legs of little puppies and slowly burning them, please realize I'm not being completely literal.
This week in The Spin Gate: I can beat little kids at games.
Little people can really get to me, and it's just my luck that I had to entertain my 10 and 7 year old cousins for a whole weekend. So what'd I do? I kicked their tiny asses.
They had asked me to play story mode Chapter 3 in F-zero GX. I was hesitant since I had only beaten it once, (which took a million tries) but I obliged nonetheless. Bad idea. I was constantly subjected to things like "Why are you stinking, Jake?", "Why did you miss that jump?", and "How come you aren't winning?". They just don't understand that F-Zero's Chapter 3 molests more than a Michael Jackson and Kobe Bryant slumber party. It also didn't help that they constantly ran in front of the TV and covered my eyes. They definitely deserved physical punishment for their insolence, but I chose something a bit more personally
I hope demons swallow your souls you arrogant little bastards
satisfying: playing them in Super Smash Brothers: Melee. Some may find it evil or down right pathetic to gain happiness by wasting unsuspecting children in a video game, but I think it goes right along with laughter as the best medicine. In fact, why should people in this country use drugs and alcohol as a means of escaping problems or gaining self worth? Instead, challenge kids to video game matches. Normally, I always lose in this game. That's why I'm telling you; the face on a child after devastating them while constantly laughing at their pitiful skills is absolutely priceless. That's right kids, you deserved it. Now go cry to daddy, and go to hell.
I couldn't help keeping my eyes on how they handled the controller. One tried to hold it in one hand and with the other hand just press buttons. He was poking at them similar to how someone who doesn't know how to type pecks at a keyboard. While I was charging up Roy's sword, he would stand in front of me looking down at this controller in an attempt to find the A button. Need I say... owned?
And some people say they fear me of getting a position of power. How ridiculous is that? It's certainly less ridiculous than Sega’s recent actions. Apparently, they decided to sue EA games and the Fox network for "The Simpsons Road Rage", claiming it's very similar to "Crazy Taxi." Here's what I have to say to Sega: go cry about it. I have an excellent corner in my room if you’d like to use it. Obviously, this is merely a sad attempt to make some money. Maybe, instead, they should work on making games people want to buy. And no, this doesn't mean a "Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg" sequel or another compilation disk of old Sonic games. The best part of it all is that a fraction of their lawsuit requests money for lost profits on the Crazy Taxi franchise. Excuse me? Who the hell buys those games anymore? If I were EA, I'd just hand Sega a fucking ten dollar bill for the "lost profits" and tell them to get lost.
On an equally bizarre note, Nintendo's Gamecube managed to make it to number one in sales over turkey week due to the recent price cut to 99 dollars. I almost pissed my pants in disbelief. Similarity, I almost vomited when I recently read about their new "Back to the Basics" philosophy. For some reason they stated to the public that making their games SIMPLER is going to help sales. Apparently "Kirby's Air Ride", which only used the "A" button, just wasn't simple enough. Come on. They'd have to release a game that doesn't require using any buttons to pass Air Ride's lack of complexity.
Oh well, good luck with all that, Nintendo.
Does it or does it not suck to be a Ninja Gaiden fan? Since it was delayed, all those who had the game on their Christmas list will have to wait until February. As expected, many impatient fans are complaining. That’s not a very sensible thing to do, because it's only one or two extra months and the extra time is going toward the creation of a real nifty Live feature called "Master Ninja Tournament". Basically, it will allow Live players to download missions and play in tournaments for prizes. This situation of immature anger is like promising to give me five dollars one day, but then saying they'll give me fifty a different day instead. I would gladly accept, but these harsh gamers would probably shoot the guy. Xbox owners should try to get use to game delays anyway, because, as one must remember, Rare is one of the developers.
In other Xbox news, a system managed to survive being shot at without the bullet even penetrating the casing. The 9mm round was shot by a man upset that his roommates constantly played Xbox at a high volume. Ever heard of politely asking them to stop? Or is he such a red neck that anything that bothers him immediately warrants the use of a pistol? I'd hate to see what he does when he runs out of toilet paper. Anyway, the survival of the Xbox suggests it could be put to good use as a bullet proof vest. Think about it. A police man could start their day off by playing some games. Later, he can use the Xbox as a paper weight when dealing with files. If he needs to enter a dangerous situation, then the Xbox will be strapped on his chest. Lastly, after a hard day of work, it could be used as an anchor on a family boat trip. Now that's what I call value.
The reviews of one of the most highly anticipated games of all time are finally in. That's right, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. However, to everyone's surprise, the game is terrible. Shocking. Who would have thought a movie-based game would be a bomb? Certainly that's never happened. Atari, publisher of Enter the Matrix, also happens to be the publisher of this game. Coincidence? I think not. Perhaps Arnold should stick to being Governor of California and left out of the video game market. Hasta la vista, baby.
Lastly, Sony believes their new PSX won't gain much revenue from gamers. One commented, "It is not made for game players but for people who want to buy DVD recorders." Excuse me if I'm wrong, but I don't think many people looking for a DVD recorder are going see a PlayStation and think that it's exactly what they were looking for. Maybe, instead of being named "PSX", it should be named "DVD RECORDER." And that proves it: I definitely need a job in marketing.
With news like this coming in every week, I don't understand how game developers can feel proud of themselves. I've always been a proud supporter of Nintendo but I'm beginning to think that they have disease-infected monkeys running the company. Someone please email Nintendo before next week and tell them to stop being stupid. That's all you have to say. They'll know what it means. Otherwise, if you feel depressed about the current market or life in general, try taking my suggestion of laying the smack-down on some children by playing them in your favorite game. Maybe bringing a console along to a daycare or something would do the trick. You could make a day of it.
